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Nothing had changed. The station looked still the same as when Julian had left it over a month ago. The Promenade was bustling, people were milling about, going about their daily business like nothing had happened – and to them nothing had. Neither the Vedek calling the Bajorans to the service nor the Andorian arguing lively with Quark had spent the last weeks in a Jem’Hadar prison camp. They hadn’t been replaced by a Changeling without anyone noticing the difference.
Julian swallowed the bitterness welling up in his throat, ducking back into the infirmary to escape the sight of normalcy. For weeks he had longed to return to the Station – had dreamed about sitting down at the Replimat with a cup of Tarkalean tea and scones – but now even the mere idea of taking up his usual routines made him feel sick. They didn’t feel like his anymore, tainted by the Changeling who had so effortlessly slipped on Julian’s face and worn his life like a uniform – and no one had noticed it.
Julian paused in the doorway to sickbay, watching the Bajoran nurses take care of a couple of overnight patients laid out in biobeds. They hadn’t noticed his replacement – none of his staff had – and while he was grateful that the Changeling hadn’t harmed any of his patients, the thought of being so easily exchangeable twisted something deep inside him. No doubt, an author would use this experience to humble their character but Julian didn’t feel humbled, he felt – empty. Adrift on a station that had become his home; a stranger amongst people he thought of as family. Logically, he knew feeling displaced after his experience was to be expected, and would likely pass but that was a small consolation when all of his friends and colleagues were looking at him with varying degrees of pity and embarrassment.
“Doctor Bashir,” Doctor Girani stepped up to him, a small frown marring her features, “do you require anything?”
“No, I was just,” contemplating my life and feeling sorry for myself was much too personal an admission to make, “checking in on my patients.”
Girani’s expression shifted; it took all of Julian’s willpower not to look away from the understanding mirrored in her eyes. “They are in good hands.”
“Yes, I know.”
“Good, then there’s nothing stopping you from going to your quarters to rest. You’re on medical leave for a week. Doctor Bashir,” Girani added before Julian could even open his mouth to reply. “if I catch you working I’ll suggest an extended stay at a rehabilitation facility to Captain Sisko. Understood?”
“Yes, Doctor,” Julian hastily replied, aware Girani would go through with the threat if she felt it necessary, and the last thing he wanted was to leave Deep Space Nine – again. “I’ll get some rest now.”
“See that you do, and Doctor Bashir,” the change of tone in her voice sent a shiver down his spine even as he paused in the doorway to look at her, “for what it’s worth I’m sorry for not noticing.”
“It’s fine.” Julian forced a smile onto his lips, hoping it looked less like a grimace than it felt. “Don’t worry about it – everyone was fooled.” He fled from the infirmary before Girani could remark on his strained voice.
OOO
Everyone was fooled. The words repeated in Julian’s head until he reached the door to his quarters, quickening his breath until his heart was racing in his chest, and he stumbled over the threshold on the verge of a panic attack.
“Calm down,” Julian murmured to himself, leaning against the wall, and taking deep measured breaths to steady himself. “There is no use in breaking down now.” If he could hold it together for weeks at a prison camp, he didn’t have a reason to panic now that he was home. Only, his body didn’t need a dozen Jem’Hadar around to flood his system with adrenaline and leave him trembling with his back pressed to the wall.
Julian couldn’t say how much time passed until his heart had slowed down to an acceptable pace, and he was able to push away from the wall without risk of falling, but it was long enough to leave him exhausted. He hadn’t slept more than a couple of fitful hours each night for weeks, and even with his enhancements, his body had reached its limit some time ago. Doctor Girani had been right to order him to get some rest but he doubted he would get any if he stayed here.
Julian gazed around his quarters, noting the definite lack of even the smallest mess, his stomach churning at yet another proof of the Changeling’s presence in his life. He should probably go through his things, record any and all changes, and inform Odo of anything suspicious but – he couldn’t. Julian stared at the open door to his bedroom, physically recoiling from the mere idea of entering the room and lying down in his bed. Changelings didn’t sleep in beds but…
“Who said anything about sleeping, my dear doctor?” Garak’s voice echoed through his mind, a fond memory of a conversation they had had early on in their relationship. It had led to one of the most pleasurable evenings Julian had ever experienced, and whenever he revisited that particular memory it filled him with giddy joy – but not so today. Instead, the memory of the playful gleam in Garak’s eyes made his stomach churn, and he stumbled into the refresher just in time to empty his stomach into the toilet.
Everyone was fooled.
Julian dry-heaved, his stomach cramping painfully and sending tears down his face in reaction. While he had understood it on an intellectual level, his mind hadn’t fully grasped all the implications that came with his replacement – but it was certainly getting there now. Julian stayed on the floor in the bathroom, barely registering the hard tiles or their coldness as he recalled the look on Garak’s face in the internment camp when he had first seen him. He had been as surprised to see him as Worf had been. At the time, the realization that even his lover had been fooled by a Changeling had been too painful to deal with. Fortunately, it had been easy to push the feeling of betrayal to the back of his mind when there had been other things to occupy it – like escaping a camp full of Jem’Hadar alive and making it back to the Alpha Quadrant. Now though, there was nothing to keep him from thinking – from realizing what would have been necessary for the Changeling to pull the wool over Garak’s eyes so completely.
A shudder raced through his body, and Julian gripped the toilet bowl with all his might, gasping in a burning gulp of air. No wonder Garak hadn’t sought him out once they had escaped the camp and had excused himself rather hastily after their return to the Station. Julian wasn’t sure how he would react to learning that he had shared his bed with a Changeling for weeks – someone wearing the face of his lover.
His stomach cramped again, and Julian heaved once more into the toilet, spitting out bile before shakily getting to his feet. Brushing his teeth and splashing water into his face, Julian ignored the horrified gaze of the man in the mirror following him on his way out of the bathroom. He didn’t stop to sit down on the couch despite the exhaustion weighing heavily on him but walked on to the door of his quarters, only pausing once on his way to snatch up Kukalaka from his place of honor before stepping out into the corridor.
The way to Garak’s quarters was a blur, and Julian arrived before he had even begun to formulate what he was going to say. Maybe he should have checked Starfleet Regulations before coming here – after all, he wasn’t the first man to have been replaced by an imposter nor was Garak the first spouse having been fooled by one. Knowing Starfleet there was likely a whole subsection dictated to that issue, and Julian would be surprised if any of the guidelines suggested stopping by your partner’s quarters in the late evening without former notice.
Julian snorted quietly, imagining how Garak would react to the idea of seeing a therapist – a likely suggestion by Starfleet - and rang the buzzer. The chime sounded unnaturally loud, making Julian wince as he shifted from one foot to the other, clutching Kukalaka to his chest, waiting for the door to open, and yet, he was wholly unprepared for when it did. Immaculately dressed in a golden and green tunic despite the late hour, Garak stood in the doorway, raising one eye ridge at him. “Doctor, what a pleasant surprise although I am curious as to what brings you here at such a late hour.”
Julian opened his mouth and closed it again, thrown by Garak’s polite but ultimately cold welcome. His heart sank further at the assessing look leveled at him from piercing blue eyes, and he reflexively clutched Kukalaka tighter to him. “I just – I think we should talk.” Julian winced at how that came out, barely withstanding the urge to duck his head when Garak narrowed his eyes at him, no doubt taking in the ill-fitting clothes he had replicated on board the ship and how he was holding onto a children’s toy like it was a lifeline – he had never felt so pathetic in all of his life.
“Of course, Doctor,” Garak finally said after what felt like an eternity, stepping aside and gesturing for Julian to enter, “please come in.”
“Thank you,” Julian replied weakly, forcing his feet to cross the space to the couch and perching on the edge of it.
“Would you care for something to drink?” Garak asked politely, moving towards the replicator. “Tarkalean tea perhaps?”
“No, thank you.” His throat was dry but Julian doubted his ability to handle a beverage – especially a hot one – without embarrassing himself further by splashing it all over himself. He clenched his hands around Kukalaka, hoping to hide the fine tremor that hadn’t let up ever since he had left his quarters, watching Garak prepare red leave tea for himself before sitting down on the couch – far enough from Julian to prevent any accidental touching.
“You wished to talk, Doctor,” Garak prompted him after several minutes had passed in silence, and Julian jolted slightly.
“Yes, right.” Julian licked his dry lips, his eyes flickering to Garak’s unmoving face before settling on the brown, furry head of his oldest friend. “It’s about the Changeling.”
“Of course.” Garak sat down his cup with a click, shifting his weight on the couch. “You are wondering why I didn’t notice you had been replaced.”
Julian winced, something sharp twisting in his chest at the reminder that not even his ever-observant lover had found anything amiss with his replacement. “That’s part of it but I’m really more worried about – you.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you.” Julian lifted his head, taking courage from the open surprise written on Garak’s face and praying it meant not everything was lost yet. “The Changeling took over every part of my life, and I can’t even start to imagine how it must feel for you to know you… were with it.” It was a small miracle Garak could still look at his face without recoiling in disgust, or maybe, he was just hiding this particular emotion very well. Julian glanced sideways at him, noting Garak’s utter stillness. He appeared frozen in place, only the flickering of his eyes giving away he had heard Julian.
“I’d understand if you didn’t want to see me for a while,” Julian continued when the silence between them stretched uncomfortably long, “but I hope we can work it out – and if you need help…”
“My dear,” Garak interrupted him, his voice oddly hoarse, “I think you labor under a misconception. Your replacement and I, we never were – intimate.”
Julian frowned, turning towards Garak to fully take him in, surprised to catch him fiddling with the hem of his tunic. As a rule, Garak didn’t fidget. “I don’t think I understand.” While it had taken them sometime – years – to admit their feelings for each other and tentatively enter into a relationship, the physical aspect of it had been the easiest to navigate. Julian had always enjoyed sex, and Garak had been more than eager about it as well. It was hard to imagine they had gone weeks without it – not without it becoming suspicious, at least.
“When the Changeling came back from the conference, the first thing it did was to break up with me.” Garak’s eyes were fixed on the teacup on the table, his expression closed off. “I didn’t see much of you – it – for weeks until it decided to join Ziyal and me for lunch on occasion.”
Julian stared at Garak in speechless astonishment, his mind reeling from everything he had just learned. A part of him – a large part – was relieved Garak hadn’t been assaulted by the Changeling wearing his face but it didn’t help him shake the irritation that had crept up in him at Garak’s explanation. “And you didn’t think it odd that I’d just break up with you like that?”
“No.” Blue eyes bore directly into his, pinning Julian to the spot. “Good things rarely come the way of men like me, and if they do they never last long.”
“So, you expected me to end our relationship the whole time?”
“I thought it highly likely you’d come to your senses sooner or later although I admit it took some adjusting to get used to the absence of your presence, my dear doctor.”
“Some adjusting –“ Julian swallowed, digging his fingernails into the back of his hand to focus on the pain there. In the camp, the thought of returning to Garak had helped him through the darkest moments – without the prospect of holding him in his arms again, Julian would have gone mad in isolation. Garak had been his silver lining in the dark, his guiding star – and all the while he had moved on from their relationship. “I assume you are over us, then.” Forcing the words past his lips hurt but Julian wasn’t in the habit of prolonging any suffering.
“Far from it, my dear.” A strong hand clasped his upper arm, and Julian almost gave himself whiplash at how fast he wiped his head around, staring at Garak, his heart pounding anxiously in his chest. “As you know, it comes with my work to be able to adjust to new situations fast.”
“Right, the fast-changing world of fashion.”
“Just so, my dear, just so.” A smile flashed over Garak’s features but was gone in an instant. “While I managed to go on with my life as usual, it was definitely – lacking.”
“So,” Julian took a steadying breath, “you missed me.”
“I believe that is what I just said, my dear doctor.”
“And yet, you didn’t confront my replacement or try to win me back.”
“It seemed a futile attempt at the time. Of course,” something bitter flickered over Garak’s face, “if I had, I might have noticed something off about your replacement. You’d be well within your rights to blame me for such an oversight.”
“I’m not blaming you.” He only knew it was the truth when the words left his mouth, and Garak sucked in a breath in reaction. “I’m blaming myself for doing something to make you believe I’d just cast you aside like an old rag.” He had believed he had made his feelings for Garak clear but all his efforts so far had been in vain if his lover had so easily accepted a break-up.
“There is no need for self-flagellation, my dear. The fault lies entirely with me – you’ve been nothing but good to me.”
“Too good to be true?” Julian asked quietly, earning a sad smile from Garak.
“Perhaps.”
After everything Julian had learned about Garak’s relationship to his father – Tain of all people – it made a frightening kind of sense for Garak to expect nothing but pain and betrayal from the people who were supposed to love him. Garak’s acceptance of it still hurt but there was nothing Julian could do about it – not now at least – but he could try to heal the wound they had both suffered. “Would you give me another chance to prove to you that not everything good has to end?”
“There is no need to ask for second chances when you didn’t do anything wrong the first time around, my dear.” Despite the teasing, Garak’s eyes were incredibly soft when they met Julian’s; the kiss they shared was the gentlest as of to date. Under different circumstances, kissing on the couch would have paved the way to more but instead of pressing Garak back on the cushions and divesting him of his clothes, Julian found himself leaning heavily against him, nuzzling into his neck ridges.
“I think it’s way past your bedtime, my dear.” Cool fingers carded through his hair, scratching his scalp with just the right amount of pressure, and Julian sighed happily. If he were a cat, he would have purred.
“Can I sleep with you, Elim?” A surprised exhale stirred his hair, arms tightening around him but before Julian could question any of it, his world shifted when he was lifted from the couch.
“You don’t ever have to ask. Let’s go to bed, Julian.”
OOO
“Well, for one thing, he was a lot easier to get along with.” Miles’ words echo through Julian’s exhausted mind, keeping him awake despite the comfortable pillow under his head and the warm duvet draped over his body. One would think even his brain would happily take the offered break after weeks of hyper-vigilance but sleep was still eluding him.
The mattress shifted when Garak climbed into bed, and Julian turned onto his side, making out his lover’s sharp features in the twilight of the room. “You know, I’m glad the Changeling broke up with you,” he blurted out before he could stop himself.
“No doubt due to some strange Federation notion about consent and loyalty,” Garak replied without missing a beat, pulling the covers up to his chin and turning onto his side to face Julian. “I thought you’d be asleep by now, my dear. Don’t tell me this admission has been keeping you from your much-needed rest.”
“In a way.” Julian sighed quietly, staring at the outline of Garak’s hand on the duvet. “I’m not as noble as you make me out to be. Yes, I’m glad the Changeling didn’t hurt you, but – that’s not all.”
“What is it then, my dear?” Garak inquired, nudging him with a foot beneath the duvet when he didn’t reply. “Julian?”
“It probably sounds stupid but – at least you can’t compare me to the Changeling. I fear I’d fall short.” The chuckle he forced from his throat sounded hollow even to his ears.
“Whatever gave you that idea?”
Julian shrugged in the dark. “Just something Miles said. Some people spent lots of time around… it, and they still didn’t notice anything amiss despite the Changeling being much less – enthusiastic in general. I guess,” Julian clenched one hand in the fabric of the duvet, holding Kukalaka to his chest with the other, “some preferred me this way. Maybe I should try to be a bit… less.” He knew he was too loud, too enthusiastic, too easily excited – just too much in general – but he had thought his friends on the station accepted that about him – liked it even. More the fool he was.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Garak scoffed, a sharp edge to his voice. “If someone liked you for being less than you are, they wouldn’t really like you but just the persona you’re presenting to them. It’s a useful skill to utilize at times but I don’t think you’d want to use it to make friends, my dear doctor.”
“So, I should just accept that I’m unlikeable?” The joke fell flat between them on the bed. Julian wasn’t even sure he was joking. He was exhausted, his body was aching from weeks of imprisonment, and he felt raw all over. It wasn’t the time for an existential crisis – as a doctor, he knew he wasn’t thinking straight – but he couldn’t stop twisting the knife just a little deeper.
“I know you’re a smart man, therefore I must presume you’re infusing my words with new meaning on purpose.”
Julian flinched at the accusation, staring at his lover in the dark before turning onto his back, blinking rapidly at the ceiling. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I brought it up. We both need to get some sleep. Lights,” he ordered, pitching the room in complete darkness, hoping it would finally push him towards sleep – it didn’t.
Julian lay completely still, hands folded protectively over Kukalaka on his chest, breathing slowly against the ache in his chest. He knew most of his misery stemmed from lack of sleep and stress but that didn’t make it any less real. Especially not when he had years of failed relationships – romantic and platonic– to serve as evidence for his assessment. Most people would prefer a hollow, uncomplicated copy of him to dealing with all of his shortcomings. Hell, his parents would have likely preferred the Changeling to their own son. Julian’s breath hitched in his chest, a few tears trickling down his cheeks, and he hastily slapped a hand over his mouth to keep from making another sound but it was already too late.
“My dear,” Garak shifted around, “neither of us will get any sleep like this.”
“You’re right.” Julian sat up in bed, steeling himself to throw back the duvet and brave the coldness of the station. “I’m sorry. I should just – I can sleep in the infirmary. I didn’t mean to bother you, I know you’re exhausted and need your sleep. I shouldn’t have come – I shouldn’t have…”
“Hush!” Strong arms wrapped around his middle, and Julian found himself pulled back and down onto the bed until he lay nestled in Garak’s arms, his breath brushing the exposed skin of his neck when he talked. “You aren’t going anywhere, my dear, not when I’ve just gotten you back.” A kiss was pressed to the skin just beneath his ear, and Julian melted into Garak’s embrace. His fears and worries would still be there in the morning but Julian didn’t have to deal with them right now – and he wouldn’t have to face them alone.
“Goodnight, Elim,” Julian whispered, squeezing the fingers holding Kukalaka to his chest.
“Goodnight, my dear Julian.”