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there is a clink in her mouth and then everything is pain
there is a huge and horrible bird and it is bristling with feather and bone and teeth and it lunges for her and then everything is pain
she doesn’t know where she is but it is not her body and everything is pain
everything is pain and she is falling out of the sky
her wings will not move and they are not hers and she is falling and there is no impact
she is falling and there is pain because the pain is everything except the falling and there is not an end
there is not an end
there is not an end
there is not an end
***
she hears her own voice while she falls
she is not the one speaking
there is something that is using her to promise violence
it speaks of heresy
it speaks of treason
it speaks of an end to mercy
it promises death to any that enter her sight
her eyes are not hers anymore
she sees only a jagged and crimson world
at the end of the pronouncement there is nothing left for her to hear
her ears are not hers anymore
the one using her ears has told her all that it wants to tell
it has told her what she will be doing
it has told her that she will not be doing it
she does not want what will happen
what is happening
what is happening without her there
what is happening to her
or whatever is not happening to her
mostly she is falling
mostly it hurts
***
the pain is in her mouth
her mouth hurts
her mouth hurts so much
there is a hole at the front of her mouth
the hole is the size of her body
the hole is the size of the sky that she falls through
the hole is the size of a tooth
***
her mouth tastes like metal
not her iron
not her lineage
just warm copper
***
the pain is in her stomach
it feels like she has been punched
it feels like she is leaden
the lead drags her down and she is falling
her stomach drops
and it drops
and it drops
and the weight and the weightless falling leave her empty
it feels like she hasn’t eaten
she was eating before all this
that’s what she remembers
her family was there
they were talking about something important together
the important thing was sweet
the food was sweet
she remembers that truth but not what it meant that it was sweet
her mouth is sour with metal
her stomach is sour with falling
bile rises inside of her but there is nowhere for it to go
it’s not her bile anyways
but it’s hurting her
how is it hurting her
***
everything is so endless here
the sky
the pain
the eternity
the one finite thing
is the person who is falling
***
she remembers who she is when someone says her name
vasavi
her name is vasavi
someone says her name like it is important
like she is important
vasavi hears the voice and it reminds her that she exists
she is a person
she is something bounded and real
she used to do something that wasn’t falling and hurting
maybe it had something to do with this voice
she can’t hear what they are saying about her
she just hears them say her name
it is at the edge of her awareness when it is said
and then she plummets past it
***
there is something else that she is important to
she knows this
she knows this in the moments where there is knowing to her
those moments exist because she is important
whenever she starts to forget
herself
her life
that she is important
she hears her name again
vasavi hears her name in some voice of many
vasavi remembers some fragment of her life
it matters that she remembers
something else needs to know what she remembers
vasavi is important
something needs her so badly
something needs her so badly that it is emptying her out
something needs her so badly that it leaves her empty
she cannot die and she cannot forget because she is necessary
something cares about what she knows
and what she can do
and what she can get away with
and it cares that she knows that
vasavi needs to know herself so that she can know that fact
so she can know that it wants her to suffer
what she wants matters
otherwise there would not be enough for it to take
***
it takes her body
it takes her memories
it takes her choices
it leaves the pain
the pain is her gift in return
***
she knows that she should fight this
whenever she knows things
her hands are clenched
she can’t unclench them
it’s like she’s holding something
but there’s nothing there
there’s nothing for her to fight
she can’t move
she is moved and she only knows half of the moving
***
for a while she keeps hearing her name
many people keep saying it
this time she hears all of it and it stays with her longer
her name is vasavi
it is also rivka
it is also corvidae
and that last part means that she is a queen
was a queen
the memory of the sound of her name echoes in her skull
her name hovers around her aching brow
it is the only crown she has left
she wants it back
not the crown
her name and what it meant
which is maybe also the crown
but mostly is what she made of herself
she loves her name
she was starting to like what she had made of herself
she was really starting to get there
at the thought that she will never get there now
something molten and jagged courses through her chest
and before she can see what that emotion was
she falls past it
***
abruptly she knows a new pain
it is not constant
sometimes she can almost forget about the thing that is always happening to her
but something hits her
something fucking hits her right across the center of her body
she is careening sideways across the expanse instead of just down
something changed and it is almost a relief
her nerves light up and she is alert
something changed and now she is scared
she is off course and it feels like impending doom
something changed because something fucking hit her
and she is awake and scared and furious
and she wants to hit it back
she wants to survive so that she can hit it back
***
vasavi can move now
***
she is still in the red and jagged expanse
but she can move now
and she knows how to do this
she knows how to twist her body midair
she knows how to regain control of her descent
she knows how to fly the shortest line between two points
and most importantly
she knows how to do it while holding a glaive
***
vasavi is a glorious thing when she is in motion
she is purpose and might
she is awe and radiance
she is something to respect and follow
she can be dancing and she can be death
and sometimes those are the same thing
vasavi moves and she feels glorious
she is hit again and she feels furious
she retaliates and she feels righteous
vasavi must be free now
she must be killing whatever did this
because she has her body again
and she is doing something with it that feels so good
and everything feels right again
better than right even
she unbreaks her shattered rib
there are warm and wet tears on her face
vasavi is violence and she strikes out to kill
vasavi is viciousness and she twists her blade
vasavi is vindication and she is freeing herself
***
vasavi is back in her body
she is seeing through her eyes
***
there is a huge creature in front of her
it is made of clay and magic
it should have towered over her
but its leg is severed and its chest is cracked open
and so it lays there
still and quiet and empty
***
vasavi’s glaive is point-down in her hands
it feels heavier than normal
she turns her head down to see why
***
vasavi did not want this
***
vasavi sees the person impaled on her glaive
she sees where their chest is caved in
she sees where a piece of paper fell out of their taloned hands
she sees how their head lolls and their beak clacks emptily on itself
vasavi lets go of her weapon
her hands don’t move
her body
no
that isn’t true
the body that she had just been loaned
that she was tasked with preserving
that body holds onto the glaive
that body inhales the air of a summer afternoon
it holds its breath and puts a heavy black boot on the corpse
on its exhale, it yanks the glaive out of the meat
***
she’s gone again
***
everything is pain
except the falling
it hurts more now
which makes no sense
because vasavi doesn’t have her body
***
vasavi tries to fight this
she remembers her name and she remembers her violence
and she wants to hurt the right thing
she is sickened by wanting to hurt something
and hates her wanting
she hates that it had made her feel so good
when she didn’t know what it was for
she knows what she wants to fight now
if she can get in one good strike
if she can just move
she remembered moving
if she can do it just one more time
if she could just
***
her guilt starts breaking a heart that she doesn’t have
her shame keeps breaking a mind that she barely has
***
vasavi hears her name
the person saying it sounds desperate
vasavi must need to do something important
she must be something important
she knows that they are someone important
though she’s not sure why
why they are important
or why she knows that they are important
but vasavi hears her name
and how it is said
and she wants to reach her hand out
she wants to say this person’s name
she wants to remember
the memory is right next to her
she cannot reach it
and then she is past it
was there something there
she was almost starting to get to something
***
the hole in her memory hurts like it is the hole in her mouth
***
she is most often senseless now
but every so often when the static of the pain changes
or when whatever is searching her for a memory pries too sharply
she is angry
she is as angry as the sky is red
she is as flooded as the sky is with red
it moves her
and she is given a glimpse of her violence
and someone else pays a consequence in shades of scarlet
she drowns in a sky of rage
***
she’s waiting for someone
someone she has never met before is on their way
they speak to her in the void
they say that they can’t wait to see her
they ask if she’s excited to meet them
then they laugh
they know that she can’t answer
***
she waits
***
the waiting is not long
the longest part has already happened
***
something is beginning in earnest now
***
someone is singing here in the castle
something else is sleeping beneath it
vasavi knows because she can hear it
she can hear it grinding its teeth in its slumber
and she can hear the lullaby that it listens to
***
something is awake now
the singing has stopped
the whole world is quieter
it’s time to go
***
vasavi holds on tight to a hand
someone came here to get her
she had been waiting for them to arrive
their hand is sunlessly pale
it is calloused
it has turned-up dirt on it
vasavi is held tight
it’s time to go
***
vasavi hears her name
it’s the important person again
the one she knows but doesn’t remember
they’re desperate again
more desperate than last time
they can’t be more important than where she’s going
they can’t be more important than the calloused hand in hers
she has to go
it’s time to go
the world folds in on her and her body
***
yael
that was their name
***
vasavi is in a cave by the sea
she hears the waves
and she hears the gnashing of teeth
she can see
not much because it is night
and she is in a cave
but the full moon is enough to see a bit
and the person with her is so pale
they are almost luminously pale
the low moonlight shines off their long hair
their hair cascades down their shoulders and back
their head is tipped back and they are laughing and giddy
they are squeezing vasavi’s hand so hard
she can feel her own bones grinding against each other
they turn to her and grin
their smile glitters like pearls and turquoise and obsidian
bronwyn introduces themself
they are a high priest
they are a pirate
they have been waiting a very long time for this
for the honor of meeting a queen
bronwyn takes vasavi’s aching hand
they hold it in both of theirs
they get their blood and dirt on her
as they raise her knuckles to their lips
towards their wrong mouth with two wrong teeth
and they plant a kiss upon her
***
somebody else used to do this
she can’t remember who that was
***
bronwyn explains the relevant details
of a plan centuries older than vasavi is
it has to do with blood and teeth
blood on the ground and blood in mouths
teeth in the ground and teeth in mouths
they tell vasavi that she has been very good at this
that her continued participation is not optional
that they are looking forward to her doing more of this
almost as much as they are looking forward to their own violence
they ask her if this is what she has always wanted
at the bottom of her soul and stomach
to be the violence of something greater than herself
to revel in the violence of something greater than herself
to abandon every pretense of kindness
vasavi hates the question
as well as the person asking it
she wants to put a hole in them for asking it
and the holy thing inside of her lets her try
it lets her lunge with her glaive outstretched
it lets bronwyn crook their finger
to raise a fang from the ground
sharp
the size of vasavi
then it stops her in her tracks
before she might be hurt
vasavi’s participation is not optional
***
bronwyn leaves eventually
they don’t share their destination
they just place their hand on the gnashing spire
they touch the teeth
which part in welcome
the teeth enfold bronwyn
they are embraced like a lover
or a devotee
or a meal
and then they are gone
***
vasavi’s participation is not optional
but her presence is
she is offered the gift of perspective
even of control
if she will bend it to violence
vasavi tries to reject this offer
the fight is too short to remember
***
she had forgotten how bad the pain was
how red the sky was
this time something is shredding her
on the way down
she no longer remembers fighting
so it means nothing to her
it is nothing to her when she surrenders
***
there is no memory
***
everything is pain
***
there is nothing else here
***
***
***
somebody is pouring a liquid into her
she drinks it with a ravenous mouth
and afterwards she can hear
and she can see
and she can understand
***
vasavi is kneeling
someone that is only vaguely familiar points a weapon at her
it is her weapon
fae is pointing her own weapon at her
but she wanted this
vasavi opens her mouth
she asks for something
she is barely lucid but she asks
the person holding her weapon is not a warrior
fae does not know how to wield a glaive
and it is obvious
but all fae has to do is touch it to her mouth
all fae has to do is touch that tooth
she sees faer consider another option
vasavi accepts whatever will come
she accepts the pain that does come
it is blessedly small
and then it is at an end