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It's a Wednesday evening and, with nothing better to do, Jimmy and Duncan are spending it watching some nonsense film together, having a great time picking it apart and riffing off each other's complaints, when there's a knock at the door. Duncan pauses the TV and Jimmy disentangles himself from him to go and answer it, only to find a distraught Tosh on the doorstep, clutching a holdall.
"I'm sorry," she says, voice choked with tears, "but I couldn't think where else to go, none of my other friends live round here, or they're Donnie's friends really, I was going to ask Ruth but she's miles away - Donnie and I've split up, can I come in?"
"Of course," says Jimmy at once, "of course, come in, you can have Cassie's room."
Tosh follows him blindly into the living room, where Duncan's already getting off the sofa.
"Have you eaten?" he asks. "I could heat something up."
"Yes - no, I haven't, I don't know..."
"I'll put some pasta on, no loss if you don't end up eating it." He's already heading to the kitchen.
"Come on," says Jimmy, taking the bag from her unresisting hand, "let's get you settled upstairs."
*
Duncan's got the pasta on to boil and is starting to reheat the leftover sauce from earlier when Jimmy comes back downstairs.
"I've got her sorted out with clean sheets and towels, she's taking a moment before she comes back down," he says. "Look, Duncan, this is your house too, is this definitely alright?"
"Of course," says Duncan. "What are we going to do, kick her out? I like Tosh and she needs somewhere to stay, of course she can stay here." He hesitates for a moment, before adding in as upbeat a tone as he can manage: "Might throw up a few old regrets for me, but I've got no one to blame but myself on that front."
"Thank you," says Jimmy, and leans across the counter to kiss him.
"Do you think we should hold off on telling her about this for a bit?" Duncan asks when Jimmy lets him go. "Might be a bit... tactless in the circumstances."
He's half hoping that Jimmy will say no, let's tell her now, I don't want to wait, but instead he smiles with relief. "I was thinking that too," he says. "It can wait until tomorrow."
Duncan nods, trying to be pleased he at least saved Jimmy from having to broach the topic himself. "I'll be back in my old room tonight, then."
"Just for tonight," Jimmy assures him, stealing another kiss before they hear Tosh's footsteps coming down the stairs.
*
Tosh has always found this house comforting. She curls up in an armchair with a mug of tea that Jimmy has made her, listening to the sounds of Duncan moving about in the kitchen behind her, and lets herself breathe for what feels like the first time that evening. Jimmy's sitting across from her, on the sofa, focused on her but not pushing, just letting her have the space to decide what, if anything, she wants to tell him and Duncan about it.
"I was working late," she says eventually, feeling her way through. "Nothing big, just... catching up with paperwork, tying up some odds and ends. I got into the flow of it and lost track of time - you know how it is."
Jimmy nods ruefully.
"I missed dinner, and Donnie was just so... put upon about it, it would almost have been better if he'd been angry - thanks," she says, accepting the bowl of pasta that Duncan hands her and starting to pick at it absently. She can't decide if she's starving or if she wants to throw up. "And it just all hit me at once, the way he never seems to get it, the way he's always on at me while pretending he isn't. We just had this big case, a friend of ours was murdered and I was investigating, and everyone was so angry with me about it and he didn't have my back."
She realises that she's monologuing, but she's in the flow now and she just has to let it out. "And I get why everyone was upset, I really do, but Donnie should have been on my side, not trying to get me to stop! He didn't seem to get that I had to do it, let alone why! And I just thought, I don't want to do this for the rest of my life, all the little comments and 'couldn't-you-justs', not for him! He's - he's not worth it."
"Ah," says Jimmy.
"Donnie was never worth it, was he?" she says slowly, the truth of what she's just said starting to dawn on her. "He's never been more than just fine. Why do I only ever go for men who are just sort of alright? What's wrong with me?"
"I don't think you're the one there's anything wrong with, in my opinion" Jimmy observes. "I think it might be him that's the problem here, not you."
Tosh is startled into a bleak laugh. "Well, whatever, I've done it now. I can't go back, it would be mortifying, this is going to have to be it." She takes a deep breath. "I'll start phoning round my other friends tomorrow and looking at flats, I'll be out of your hair soon."
"You don't need to do that," says Duncan, from where he's perched on the far end of the sofa, like he's not quite sure whether or not he belongs in this conversation.
"You can stay as long as you need to," Jimmy reassures her.
"Alright," says Tosh. "Thank you. Just... make sure you kick me out before you get sick of me, OK?"
"Promise," Jimmy agrees.
*
Duncan is just drifting off to sleep that night when there's a soft tap at his door.
"C'm'in," he mumbles blearily, rolling over to see Jimmy slipping into the room and closing the door behind him.
Duncan props himself up on his elbows. "Hello," he says, blinking himself awake. "What are you doing here? Sort of defeats the point of separate rooms, you coming in here with me."
Jimmy opens his mouth, closes it, tries again. "I didn't actually think this through," he admits, "so mostly what I'm doing here now is feeling a bit stupid."
Duncan is pretty sure he'll never get tired of the rare moments where Jimmy admits he doesn't completely know what he's doing. "Did you miss me," he asks delightedly.
Jimmy won't quite meet his eyes. "Aye. I suppose I did."
"Come here," says Duncan, and Jimmy obeys, perching awkwardly on the edge of the bed. Duncan sits up and pulls him in for a kiss.
"Do you want to stay?" he asks, and Jimmy replies, "yes, please."
They'd had a long debate, many years ago, back when they'd first converted this room from a box room to a bedroom for Duncan, about whether to go for a single bed or try and squeeze in a double, and as he budges over to make space for Jimmy, Duncan can't help but pat himself on the back for his accidental foresight in pushing for the latter.
Jimmy falls asleep almost immediately, apparently having decided that all he wants from Duncan tonight is his company. Duncan is certainly feeling something about that, but he's not quite ready to look at it more closely yet, so instead he just listens to Jimmy's slow, even breathing for a while, before he eventually drifts off as well.
*
Tosh goes into work as usual the next day, because the idea is more appealing than not going into work. There's not as much to keep her busy as she might prefer given the turmoil in her head, but she gets on with some bits and pieces that need doing, listens to Ruth expounding at length on various topics (pausing from time to time to snack and to bicker lightly with Sandy), and thinks she's doing fine until Billy appears next to her and asks if she's alright.
"I left Donnie," she says, too loudly, "last night," and Ruth and Sandy turn to look at her with matching expressions of dismay.
"It's fine," she says, "I'm fine, it was for the best," but all three of them are still looking at her and she really doesn't want to be looked at right now. She announces abruptly that she needs some air and flees the building, almost knocking over a disconcerted Harry in the corridor as she goes.
*
Ruth finds Tosh leaning on the railings outside the town hall, which is a bit further than she normally goes at times like this. Ruth hopes this isn't a bad sign. Tosh is staring blankly at nothing, but she doesn't seem to have been crying, which Ruth is grateful for. Really not her area of expertise, friends crying.
"Did you and Sandy draw lots?" asks Tosh, an edge of bitterness in her voice that Ruth decides not to rise to, under the circumstances.
Ruth comes over to lean against the railings too, and bumps her shoulder into Tosh's. "What happened, ey?"
Tosh makes a noise of frustration and then the whole story comes tumbling out - how he kept on making all those little comments all the time, how she reached the end of her rope, how she just packed a bag and walked out.
"Do you - need somewhere to stay?" Ruth asks, because you have to, don't you.
"It's fine, you're off the hook, Jimmy's putting me up til I find a place of my own," replies Tosh, and Ruth... isn't quite as relieved as she expects to be. It makes sense, she tells herself, it's handier for work and Tosh knows I like my space.
"Ah, thank god for that," she says, a little performatively, "we'd probably drive each other up the wall if we lived together as well as working together." Tosh is giving her a bit of an odd look, and she feels like she might have overcompensated, so she adds, with awkward sincerity: "If you do need somewhere, though?"
"I know," says Tosh, giving her a smile so watery and brave that it almost breaks even Ruth's well defended heart. "Come on, let's go back in, I'm sure I can find some more paperwork to distract myself with for the rest of the day."
"Chin up," says Ruth, pushing herself off the railings, "maybe there'll be a repeat of the Great Mango Heist of '23."
"Famed in myth and legend," Tosh says gravely. "We can but hope." And the two of them head back into the station side by side.
*
"I haven't told her yet," Jimmy says as Duncan comes into the kitchen, yawning and stretching. "She still looked so poleaxed this morning."
"I'm not surprised," says Duncan. "It's a big thing she's done. Take it from me," he adds, ruefully. "Is there any bread left?"
"I think I put it back in the bread bin? It's mostly ends, though, I'll pop out for more before lunch. I do think she's well shot of Donnie, at least."
"You never liked him much, did you?" Duncan asks, rummaging in the bread bin. "You're not wrong about it being all ends in here, by the way."
"Bit of a waste of space, if you ask me, which unfortunately she didn't." Jimmy considers for a moment. "He had his moments, to be fair - sounds like he's a decent dad, and he was never as bad as Drew, at least."
"Good thing too," says Duncan, straightfaced, "since you don't have the power to ban people from Tesco any more."
"Look," says Jimmy, bristling, "it was only for a few weeks, and he could just go to the co-op instead, and besides, he earned that ban fair and square, I'd've banned anyone who'd done the same."
Duncan just looks at him.
"Probably wouldn't have enjoyed it as much if it had been anyone else, though," Jimmy concedes.
*
Donnie texts Tosh as she's finishing work (on time for once, the people of Shetland having apparently renounced crime, something she's broadly in favour of even as she questions their timing) to ask if she'd like to take Louise to the park before she has her tea. She's in the car so fast she almost forgets to reply. She hasn't seen her daughter since a brief hello-goodbye the previous morning as she rushed off to work, and though she won't have long with her now either, at least she'll have something.
The handovers either side are awkward, naturally, but it's Donnie, he's not going to start any difficult conversations if she doesn't, and she can't, yet - she needs more time to let the hurt and frustration that propelled her out of their flat fade a little before she can start to think seriously about what she wants to do next. It's pretty obvious, though, that Donnie is hoping she'll just come back, come home with him and pretend this never happened, and all Tosh can think is how if he thinks that's on the cards, he really doesn't know her very well at all.
Afterwards, she takes herself for a walk and finds somewhere that she can cry unobserved for a while. The weather is in her favour for once - it's grey and bleak and windy even by Shetland standards, so there aren't many people about, but it's not actually raining, or at least not hard enough that she needs to make a break for shelter.
Eventually she wipes her face as best she can and heads back down to Jimmy's house. Jimmy isn't there when she gets in - "one of his volunteer things, I've lost track, he'll be back for dinner" - so it's just her and Duncan. She's worried it'll be awkward, and it's not not, but he's trying and they've got dinner prep to focus on when conversation starts to dry up.
She does some gentle probing to try and find out how he's doing now he's out of prison - she's only been over for dinner once or twice since he got out, so she hasn't really had a chance to get a sense of it, but she knows Jimmy's been worried about him, so she's worried too.
"I'm thinking about trying out going back to the bistro in a couple of weeks," Duncan says, and even without knowing him that well, she can see through the studied casualness of his tone. "Cassie read me the riot act - well, no, she quite reasonably pointed out that she'd like to know whether she should be looking for new jobs, and I'm sure this place isn't exactly her dream, so."
Tosh is pretty sure that Cassie was motivated by Duncan's best interests as much as if not more than her own, but what she says is "I'm glad to hear that," because she is: she can't say that she's ever had that many opinions about Duncan on his own merits, but he's Jimmy's, and he's Cassie's, and he's been through a lot, and with all that, of course she wants the best for him.
"I should text Cassie and ask her for coffee or something, it's been ages," she says, idly crunching on a piece of carrot that was probably supposed to go into whatever Duncan's cooking up tonight.
"She'd love that," Duncan replies. "She thinks the world of you, always has."
Tosh preens. "I did wonder if she'd grow out of wanting to be my friend one day," she admits, "but she hasn't yet. I'm hoping I'm probably safe at this point. How old is she now, twenty five? Twenty six?"
"She'll be twenty seven in a couple of months," replies Duncan in a tone of vague amazement, passing her a lime.
"I really don't think that can be right," Tosh says, retrieving the grater from the cupboard and getting on with zesting it. "The Riot Act hasn't been on the books since 1968, by the way," she informs him. "And she wouldn't be empowered to read it even if it was still a thing, she's not the mayor or anything."
"Oh, well, that makes all the difference," says Duncan, "maybe I won't bother with the bistro after all." And in this moment, laughing in Jimmy's kitchen with Duncan Hunter of all people, Tosh can almost make herself believe that maybe not everything good in her life fell apart when her relationship with Donnie did.
*
Ruth parks outside the station as usual the next morning, but instead of going straight in, she finds herself heading down towards the Perez house in the hope of meeting Tosh. This is definitely for Tosh's benefit - some moral support to help her face the gauntlet of everyone's concerned faces when she gets to work - and has nothing to do with any feelings Ruth may, or may not, have had about Tosh choosing to stay with Perez and not her. That's Ruth's story and she's sticking to it.
She will admit, though, to always having been a bit curious about what those wee houses look like on the inside, so when she doesn't bump into Tosh on the way down, she's not sorry to have an excuse to knock on the door.
It's Perez himself who answers it - they haven't properly met ever, and she's never been particularly interested in doing so, but she's seen him around, and he must have seen her too, because he doesn't have to ask who she is.
"Hello," she says. "Heard Tosh was stopping here, so I thought I'd pop down and collect her before work." She suddenly feels a bit like she's five years old, asking if her friend can come out to play. It's not a sensation she enjoys.
"She's just finishing off her breakfast," Perez says. "Why don't you come in, have a nosy around if you want to."
"Busted," Ruth replies as she follows him down the hall and into what must be the main living area.
"It's exactly what I would do," he tells her cheerfully. Ruth isn't sure if he's trying to bond or if he's patronising her, but either way, she's pretty sure she's against it.
It's a nice place, though, she'll admit, if on the smaller side - it must be pretty jammed with Perez and Tosh and Perez's - friend? Partner? She hasn't quite been able to tell from the way Tosh talks about him, and frankly up to this point she hasn't been interested enough in her predecessor's domestic situation to ask - all living there. Maybe she should offer again to let Tosh stay with her?
"Ruth!" Tosh says, through a mouthful of toast. "What are you doing here?"
"Oh, well, I got in early and I thought it might be nice to come down and walk you up," Ruth says, trying to brush it off, because now that she's actually here it feels much less like the only obvious choice. "No hurry, though, finish your breakfast-" but Tosh is already gulping down the remains of her coffee and grabbing her bag.
"Aren't you going to..." asks Ruth, looking from the dirty plates to the sink.
"It'll give Jimmy something to do with all that free time he has nowadays," Tosh replies lightly.
"I am still in the room, you know," Perez observes, from the dining table in the alcove where he's busy with something on his laptop.
"Bye, Jimmy," Tosh says, meeting Ruth's eye and grinning, and for a moment Ruth thinks that maybe Tosh really is fine, until she catches how fast Tosh's smile drops off her face as she turns towards the door.
*
Ruth and Tosh head up through Lerwick side by side, walking along Commercial Street together like they've done a million times since Ruth came back to the isles.
"Nice place Perez has got there," Ruth says, more for something to say that isn't Donnie-related than anything else. She casts about for something to add, and then remembers. "I spotted a guitar in one of the corners, it's not yours, is it? Cos you've been keeping that quiet, if you'll pardon the pun."
"I won't," says Tosh, and then, "no, it's Duncan's. I've never heard him play it, though. He does seem like the kind of guy who might just have it for the look of it - sorry, that was mean."
"I like it when you're mean, you should do it more often" says Ruth. "Tell me more."
Tosh shakes her head. "No, I like Duncan, we had a good chat yesterday, and he's had a hard time, it's just sometimes he can be a bit - you know."
"I do," says Ruth, "god knows I really do," and silence falls for a moment as they both contemplate the unfortunate truth of that statement.
"So are he and Perez an item, or what?" Ruth asks, never one to beat about the bush once she's decided she's interested in something.
"An item? No," replies Tosh, and proceeds to launch into a long explanation of their whole involved situation and history. By the time she gets to the end, Ruth is honestly not that much clearer on what if anything is actually going on between them, but they've arrived at work, and Billy is there ready to brief them on any overnight excitement, so she shelves her remaining questions for later.
*
Duncan learned a long time ago that he probably shouldn't come downstairs in the mornings until he's ready for conversation, and today is no exception.
"Your mattress is a lot more comfortable than mine," Jimmy observes the moment he appears.
"Aye, I know, I've been thinking about suggesting we swap them over," replies Duncan. "I mean, assuming..." He trails off, suddenly worried he's overstepped.
"Aye," says Jimmy, helping him out, "we probably need to think about moving some stuff around at some point. Assuming you - assuming you're wanting to bunk in with me on a more permanent basis, that is?" he finishes awkwardly.
"Yes," says Duncan immediately. "I am." He really isn't sure what he's doing here yet - thinking about the long term isn't exactly one of his greatest strengths, and everything's felt so provisional and uncertain these last few months anyway - but if nothing else he knows he wants there to be a long term for him and Jimmy, and he'll do whatever it takes to make that happen.
"Right, well, that's settled, then." Jimmy's tone is practical, but the smile on his face is decidedly not.
*
Tosh spends a good chunk of her morning driving up to check on a report of a possible disturbance up at a remote croft on Yell. It turns out to be nothing, but it's always good to get out and chat to people in the further flung corners of the isles, remind them that even though she's based in Lerwick, she's there to help them as well, and the crofter in question insisted on making her a particularly good cup of tea for her trouble. And she's glad she was the one who went: getting out of Lerwick was something she didn't realise she needed, and the ferry over still hasn't got old for her, even after all these years - there are seals splashing around in the water as they leave, bonxies circling in the air above, and something in her settles at the sight.
The drive is good too, miles of uninterrupted road and the landscape spooling out before her, giving her brain time to whir away to itself. She doesn't reach any conclusions, but she can feel the chaos inside her starting to resolve itself into something closer to orderly patterns, and even if the path ahead isn't clear yet, she's starting to see the shape where it might be.
Jimmy used to love this part of the job too. Back when she was first starting out, still so green you could lose her in a field, she'd go with him on calls like this so she could learn about this side of policing on Shetland, and he always seemed more at ease somehow, out in the middle of nowhere like this, talking to people about their problems and their worries and trying to help them untangle them. She didn't really get it then. She thinks she's starting to, now.
She picks up lunchtime sandwiches for everyone on the way back, as is traditional, and as she munches on hers at her desk, enjoying the familiar sight of Ruth taking hers apart so she can add most of a packet of crisps before she eats it, she thinks that at least one part of her life still makes sense.
*
"I still haven't managed to tell Tosh," Jimmy confesses later that day as he and Duncan are making lunch. "I meant to last night, after dinner, but she seemed pretty upset when she was telling us about seeing Louise, and then this morning Ruth Calder turned up before I had a chance. Tonight, I promise."
"It's fine. I mean - you don't have to. If you don't want to," replies Duncan, suddenly a lot more interested in the contents of the fridge than he is in looking at Jimmy.
Jimmy stops what he's doing. "Of course I want to," he says. "I thought that was obvious. Unless - do you not want to?"
"No, I - want to. But you don't have to, that's all I'm saying. She's your friend, it's up to you."
"I know, I - did you really think I didn't want to?" asks Jimmy, his attention thoroughly diverted from the plate of odds and ends he's been assembling.
"I don't know," says Duncan to the fridge, miserably. "Maybe."
"Duncan," Jimmy says carefully, "you're the best thing that's happened to me in ages. I want to tell everyone I've ever met."
Duncan sighs. "I'm sorry I'm being like this." He closes the fridge, but he still won't turn around to face Jimmy, and he still sounds miserable. "Look, this is new to me, and I just - I feel like I've got no idea what I'm doing, and I'm not used to that."
"What do you mean," says Jimmy slowly, "it's new to you?"
"You know," says Duncan, uncomfortably. "Don't make me say it."
"I don't know. Duncan, help me out here, what are you talking about?"
Duncan turns to look at him, finally, and must be able to see on his face how bemused he is, because he says: "Jimmy, I - I've not exactly had any experience with men before, alright. I just - I'm at sea here."
Light dawns on Jimmy, and he takes an involuntary step towards Duncan.
"I'll admit I've had my head turned a few times over the years, but I never acted on it," Duncan is still talking, and Jimmy gets the feeling that he's worried that if he stops now he might not be able to get going again. "Mostly just tried not to think about it, if I'm honest."
"Duncan, I really didn't know." Jimmy tries to inject as much kindness into his voice as he can, but from the look on Duncan's face it's not helping. "For what it's worth," he says, "in my experience it's not that different, not really. But I know what it's like, to be figuring this all out, you know I do. You can talk to me about it, whatever's worrying you. I've been through it myself."
Duncan still can't meet Jimmy's eyes.
"And look, it's hard, especially somewhere like this," Jimmy says, hoping if he just keeps going he'll eventually find the words that will get through to Duncan. "You know I love it here, but I still ran away to Glasgow first chance I got. Not just because I didn't think I could be myself here, but I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of it."
"I could have run away too." Duncan finally looks up at him. "I think it's probably just that I'm not as brave as you are."
Jimmy pulls him close, rests his forehead against Duncan's. "I don't know about that. I mean, we'd not even be here without you being brave enough to make the first move."
He brushes his thumb along Duncan's cheekbone as he says it, trying to convince Duncan that he means it. Duncan kisses him, and Jimmy knows it's a way of getting out of this conversation, but he isn't interested in forcing Duncan to talk about anything he's not ready to, so instead he just leans into the kiss and lets Duncan distract him as much as he wants.
*
"I've been thinking about what you said on the way in this morning," says Tosh in the pub later, as a quick Friday night after work drink turns into two with a third in the offing. "About Jimmy and Duncan. Because you know what, I did think I heard someone moving around the last couple of nights. I assumed it was just someone going to the loo, but..."
"...maybe it was someone sneaking into someone else's room?" finishes Ruth with a glint in her eye.
Tosh shakes her head, as if to derail this train of thought before it can really get going. "They're not teenagers, why wouldn't they have just told me?"
"Maybe they didn't want to make a big thing of it, given..."
"...I'm so sad and pathetic and I've made a mess of my own love life?"
"That is not what I was going to say, and I think you know it." Ruth punctuates the last few words with some emphatic gestures with her wine glass.
"I am, though," says Tosh glumly, staring into her wine. Ruth had thought she'd been doing better after coming back from Yell, but better, it turns out, is far from the same as ok. "And I have. And - I'm not fine."
"I know," says Ruth as gently as she's capable of. "And you haven't made a mess of anything, however it feels right now, alright?"
"I don't want to talk about it. Let's go back to speculating about whether my ex-boss and his whatever Duncan is are sleeping together, please?"
"Perez is bi, isn't he?" says Ruth obediently, "I feel like I saw him at Pride, wearing the world's most boring bi flag pin. I didn't know it was possible to make one that boring, I mean it's pink and purple and blue, how do you manage that?"
"I know! I don't know how Angus - that's his godson, he got it for him - managed to find one so boring, I'm almost impressed."
Ruth feels a sudden and unjustified stab of jealousy at the warmth and familiarity in Tosh's voice when she talks about Perez, but she soldiers on. "So it's definitely possible."
"A lot of things are possible," says Tosh, gloomy again. "Maybe I don't want to talk about this, either."
"Alright, I'll think of something else, you know I'm good for that," Ruth begins, but Tosh is already off.
"It's just - I think it's the right choice, but it's going to be so miserable, there's going to be all this negotiating and hurt feelings and being a grown up, and what am I going to get out of it? Half a flat and a shared custody agreement? And then, if I want to be with someone else, I have to start all over again with all this baggage, and it's not like my taste in men has been working out for me so far!" Tosh takes another gulp of her wine. "Maybe I should try women instead. Talking of bisexuality."
"Aye, I can recommend it," says Ruth, before her brain has caught up with her mouth. Oh, fuck it, might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb, she thinks, and adds, "though I can't say one's taste necessarily improves just because one's dating a different gender."
Tosh is staring at her. "You're bi too?" she asks. "Is it just me who's not?"
"I think Sandy's probably straight," Ruth says, mostly to herself, as Tosh goes on: "Is that why you were at Pride?"
Ruth shrugs. "Never thought, growing up, we'd have something like that here. Even I wasn't unmoved." She can't help the sarcastic tone in her voice, but it's not because she doesn't mean it. "Look, in all seriousness, if you're actually interested in dating women, I don't see any reason not to try, once you're clear of-" she waves her hands expansively "-all this." She leans forward. "So... are you? Actually interested?" She tells herself she doesn't have any ulterior motive when she asks, and in her defence it's not the only reason she's asking.
Tosh looks briefly helpless. "I don't know! It sounds stupid, but I've... never been sure. I've always wondered, but I've never actually done anything about it. I always end up getting together with some guy and then it's easier to just stop thinking about it for a bit."
"I went through that phase too," says Ruth, raising her glass in a mock toast.
"And I don't know if it was the same for you, you're a bit older than me, but when I was a teenager, straight girls were always talking about their girl crushes, and I... never knew if what I was feeling was the same as what they were feeling. Ugh."
"I think if you're still asking the question, it probably wasn't," Ruth says honestly. "Besides, I bet some of them weren't straight either."
Tosh makes an inarticulate sound of despair and lets her head fall gently onto the table.
Ruth thinks that maybe she could have handled that one a little better.
*
Jimmy closes the rainbow sticker-festooned office laptop, reluctantly admitting defeat. He'd been up at the Shetland Queer Youth Project, hoping that whatever snarl the kids there had managed to get their paperwork into would be fixable by someone with some patience and the ability to both follow a chain of logic and parse a form, but no, looks like they're going to need to employ a professional. (Personally, he thinks they should just fold themselves in with Shetland Pride and have done with it, but for reasons he doesn't fully understand despite their attempts to explain, several of them aren't keen to do that, and he's not going to push.)
At least they're unlikely to argue when he suggests getting some external help, they all seem to hang on his every word in a way that, while not unflattering, does make him feel older than the pyramids. He's pretty sure he heard one of them refer to him as a "queer elder" once and nearly crumbled into dust on the spot. Duncan laughed for about a week when he told him.
Duncan. He really needs to tell Tosh about Duncan, not just for Duncan's own sake, or because all this sneaking around is getting ridiculous at their age, but also because Duncan's right, he is putting it off, just not for the reasons Duncan thinks. This thing between them still feels so new and fragile and he's constantly terrified it'll fall apart if he's not careful, and while his rational brain can't really see any way that telling Tosh could make that happen, it's still a step beyond where they are right now, and for all Duncan thinks he's brave, not one that he's been able to make himself take. He wasn't lying when he told Duncan he wanted to tell everyone he'd ever met, not remotely, but somehow he's finding the practice so much harder than the theory. It's just Tosh, he's been telling himself, it's fine, telling Tosh things isn't hard, and yet here he is.
Tonight, he thinks, starting to gather his belongings before he heads home. I'll tell her tonight. And he sets out, his brain turning his relationship with Duncan over and over yet again, looking for any potential faultlines so he can try and patch them before they can even think about fracturing.
*
Tosh arrives back at Jimmy's house - Jimmy and Duncan's house? - to some delicious smells and the sound of something sizzling. "Sorry I'm back so late," she calls. "Ruth and I went for drinks and got chatting and - you know."
"You're actually just in time," Duncan calls back, "dinner's more or less ready, we were just discussing whether we should put some in the oven to keep warm for you."
"No, I'm here!" says Tosh unnecessarily, coming in from the hall (and is it her imagination, or is there something awkward about the way Jimmy's perched on a chair on the other side of the counter, book conspicuously in hand, like maybe he was doing something else until he heard her at the door?).
Duncan serves up the food while Jimmy pours some wine for them all. She has a moment of wondering whether another glass is sensible, but decides, fuck it, it's a Friday night, you don't leave your long term partner every day, and - well. It's not something she thinks about as much as she used to, but... she's safe here, if she's safe anywhere.
(The part of Tosh's brain jumpstarted by Ruth's speculation watches how Duncan smiles at Jimmy as he reaches for his glass, how their hands briefly brush as he takes it. Another part of her brain tries to insist that she is absolutely not doing this, but she's pretty sure that bit is getting overruled. Yet another part points out that she could just ask Jimmy, but honestly, this way's a lot more fun.)
*
Jimmy ropes Tosh into helping him tackle the clearing up, ostensibly on the very reasonable grounds that Duncan cooked, he shouldn't have to wash up as well, but also so he can have a chance to talk to her.
"You should really get a dishwasher," Tosh grumbles at him, like she does every time she helps with the clearing up. "It's the twenty-first century, you don't have to live like this."
"Aye, and where would we put it?" Jimmy asks, as usual.
"You're a resourceful man, you'd find a way. What have you done with all your tea towels?"
Jimmy, his hands buried in the washing up, gestures with his elbow to where a pile of them somehow ended up during the cooking process, and they lapse into a companionable silence.
Jimmy has just got to the end of the stern talking to he's giving himself about how he created this moment to tell Tosh about him and Duncan and now he has to use it (he'd rather have done it without Duncan in the room, but beggars can't be choosers, and he can't leave it any longer), but as he opens his mouth - "I think I might like girls," Tosh blurts out.
"OK," he says, changing course. "OK. Just girls, or...?"
"And boys," says Tosh, "and probably non binary people too, I don't know, I've not met enough of them yet to be sure. I'm not sure about the girls part either, if I'm honest. I'm still talking, aren't I?"
"You are," says Jimmy. "Do you want to keep talking about it?"
"No," says Tosh. "Definitely not. I don't even know why I said it. I think I've been thinking about it really hard so I don't think about Donnie, and it just sort of escaped. Let's just pretend it never happened. I can't remember where this dish lives." She gesticulates with the offending item.
"Cupboard at the top if you can reach, there's a bigger one it sits inside. Tosh-"
"I think," says Tosh firmly, pauses, and then drops her voice to a conspiratorial whisper, "I think I shouldn't have had that last glass of wine."
"Right, well, I can't help you with that, but if you do want to talk about the thing we're now pretending you didn't just say, you know where I am, and you know I know what you're dealing with, I've been through it myself." Jimmy is suddenly very aware again of Duncan on the other side of the room, hearing him tell Tosh the exact same thing he told him earlier, in almost the same words, and is very glad he can't catch his eye. We'll all laugh about this together one day, he thinks. I hope.
*
It's Jimmy's third night in a row of sneaking into Duncan's room like he's seventeen years old again and back at school, tiptoeing around halls after lights out, and this time Duncan has already tucked himself over on the far side of the bed to make space. He's lying on his side, watching Jimmy as he climbs in next to him, and there's a look on his face that Jimmy can't quite identify.
"Something up?" he asks, keeping his voice low, mindful of Tosh, probably not asleep yet, in the next room.
Duncan looks away, which sets alarm bells ringing for Jimmy. Nothing good ever comes of Duncan refusing to look at him. "Just middle of the night thoughts," he mumbles.
"Not to be trusted," Jimmy agrees, and waits for the inevitable follow up.
"The thing is," says Duncan, "you were right, that time on the beach, I've fucked up every good thing I've ever had, and I really don't want to fuck this up too."
"So don't," says Jimmy, and adds without thinking, because it's very late and he's very tired and on the defensive because he still hasn't told Tosh: "I'm not going to lie to you, it's been on my mind too."
Duncan visibly flinches, and Jimmy wishes he could take the words back, because he doesn't mean what Duncan thinks he means, not really, but he can't, so he goes on: "It's not all on you, it's not like my own track record has been exactly stellar recently. Meg and I took months to realise we weren't that into each other any more, Alice was married, I let Asha get stabbed in the heart-"
"That's different," says Duncan stubbornly. "You know that's different. I - I've hurt a lot of people, and I don't want to hurt you."
"Right, look," says Jimmy, suddenly losing patience. "I've thought about this, I've thought about it a lot, and I think the rewards are worth the risks. If you don't, then that's fine, just tell me now, and I'll be away back to my own bed and we'll both forget all about this."
"That's not..." Duncan begins, but Jimmy isn't finished.
"But if you do, then let's just decide we'll both do our best to prove me right, alright?"
There's a long moment where Duncan doesn't say anything, and Jimmy starts to think that maybe he's the one who's irretrievably fucked things up, after all, that after all his worries and attempts at care he's taken what they could have had and smashed it himself. But before his thoughts can spiral any further, Duncan chuckles quietly, fondly, and the tension between them ebbs away. "You'll be so smug if you do turn out to be right."
"Aye, I will," agrees Jimmy, awash with relief. "You're not wrong there."
Duncan reaches out and runs his fingers through Jimmy's hair. "Small price to pay, I suppose."
"Och, you like me when I'm insufferable," says Jimmy, turning his head to kiss the palm of Duncan's hand.
Duncan laughs again, and it sounds to Jimmy like whatever's been out of alignment between them starting to slip gently back into place. "Probably doesn't say anything good about me, but I do, I really do."
*
Jimmy's already up and pottering around the kitchen when Tosh slinks down for breakfast the next morning. She's not hungover, exactly, she wouldn't say that, but she's definitely not bright eyed and bushy tailed either.
"Morning," he says, and she mumbles the same in return.
"Duncan not about yet?" she asks, putting a slice of bread in the toaster and eyeing up the jam options in case they've changed since the previous morning.
"Still asleep," replies Jimmy. "...I assume, I've not seen him emerge yet, and he's never been an early bird." Tosh adds that to her evidence folder under the heading "possible slips".
"What's your plan for the weekend?" he asks. Changing the subject for something safer? Tosh speculates, as she starts to assemble plate and knife and butter. "Coffee's in the pot, by the way," Jimmy tells her.
"Ugh, I should probably go and see Donnie, start setting things in motion," she says, pouring herself some coffee. "Maybe I'll take Louise to St Ninian's after if Donnie doesn't have anything planned for her, since it's actually sunny for a change. You know, I think it might even be... warm"
"Good idea," says Jimmy, apparently choosing to ignore her implied slander against his beloved island's climate. (She'd asked him once if he ever got fed up of having to wear a coat all the time. "I like my coat," he'd replied blandly.)
"If you need any backup with Donnie, just shout," Jimmy goes on. "Or if you want to bring Louise round here?"
"You don't want a toddler around, getting in the way of your wild bachelor lifestyle," says Tosh. She glances surreptitiously at Jimmy as she says it, to see if he reacts to "bachelor", but he's not an easy man to read sometimes, even for her.
"Oh aye, wild bachelor lifestyle, that's me. Come on, let's have our breakfast outside, blow away some of the cobwebs," he suggests, shooting her an arch look.
Tosh makes a grumbling noise of assent (how does he always know when she's hungover, even when she's in denial about it herself?) and follows him out.
*
"So there's something I've been meaning to tell you," Jimmy says once they're all settled on the rocks with their toast and coffee. "It didn't seem like the right time when you got here the other night, and I've been trying to find a better time, but things keep happening... anyway, I'm just going to say it now. It's about Duncan and me, and it's - apparently there's no way of saying this that doesn't sound awkward." He runs a hand through his hair. "We're... together, him and me, have been for a week or two now."
"AHA," says Tosh triumphantly, without thinking.
"What do you mean, "aha"," says Jimmy, thoroughly derailed.
"Oh. Um. I was trying to work it out, last night, if you were or not. Ruth asked, and then suddenly I wasn't sure, and I know I could have just asked you myself, but... it was sort of... fun, trying to guess. Sorry, this probably wasn't exactly the response you were wanting." She makes a face, wishing the rocks would somehow open and swallow her up.
There's a moment where Jimmy's face is completely unreadable, and Tosh is worried suddenly that she might have hurt him, treating something this important to him like a fun puzzle for her to solve, but then Jimmy laughs and shakes his head. "I'm glad it was fun?"
Tosh can't breathe for a moment, she's so relieved, but she rallies as quickly as she can. "So much fun, honestly. So, you and Duncan are really a thing?"
"It's pretty new," Jimmy says, "I wasn't expecting it at all, and maybe it'll just fizzle out like me and Meg did, but... I don't think it will." He's smiling now, like he can't help himself.
"I'm really happy for you," Tosh says, finding as she says it how true it is. "I think - I think that as long as I've known you, you've always done better with him than without him." She hears the door open as she says that, and they both turn to see Duncan himself heading out to join them, still in his pyjamas.
"What are you two talking about out here?" he asks, making his way down the steps and over towards where they're perched on the rocks, coffee mug in hand.
Tosh feels a sudden surge of fondness for those old yellow mugs of Jimmy's that she and Duncan are both drinking from. They were Fran's from when she was a student, he'd told her once, the last survivors of her first proper set of crockery. "You," she calls back.
"Us," Jimmy corrects her, taking Duncan's free hand as he comes to sit with them.
Duncan smiles at him, and Jimmy smiles back, and if there was any doubt left in Tosh's mind that leaving Donnie was the right choice, it would have evaporated right there and then, because when was the last time she and Donnie had looked at each other like that? Had they ever, even back at the beginning when things were good? (She thinks about him cooking sausages in his snorkelling gear, their first morning together, and her heart twists a little for what she thought she had.)
There's a moment where she thinks she might be jealous of Jimmy and Duncan for having what she doesn't, but then she looks over at them again, and it's washed away in a rush of fierce gladness at seeing the two of them so obviously happy together, after everything. And, bubbling up in her, she feels the sudden hope that maybe she'll have another chance at something like it too, a better chance than the ones she's had before.
*
Ruth is outside, enjoying the rare warmth, when Tosh calls.
"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" Tosh asks.
"God no, go ahead," Ruth tells her. "Absolutely nothing going on up here. Thought I saw an otter earlier, but it was just a rock, and that's as exciting as it's got. What's happening with you?"
"I'm just on my way up to see Donnie, step one of being grown ups about it, and I could really use a bit of moral support to make sure I don't lose my nerve before I even get there." Ruth can hear Tosh's grimace even over the phone.
"Well, you've got it. And if you need backup, just say the word, I'll get in the car."
Tosh laughs. "Jimmy said the same. I think I'll keep the pair of you in reserve in case I need to bring out the big guns later on."
"Fair, fair." Ruth still isn't quite sure what she makes of Perez, but she knows she'd fight at his side in this particular battle in a heartbeat.
"I told him some of the stuff we were chatting about yesterday in the pub," Tosh confesses, and Ruth doesn't need Tosh to tell her which of the somethings it is she means, unless Perez has a lot more interest in Alan's latest shenanigans than she'd have predicted. "He was so nice about it, it was so embarrassing."
"He was nice about it? What a monster."
"I know! Anyway, red wine might be dead to me now."
"As long as white's still fine."
"Oh, aye, never any problems there, not once. Look, I'm almost there, time to go."
"Good luck," Ruth says, meaning it. "Call me after? If you want to."
"Thanks," says Tosh. "Thank you. I will." And she hangs up.
*
An hour or two later, Tosh closes the door to the flat behind her and takes a deep breath. She's going to have to do the bulk of the work here, that's for certain, but Donnie is as committed to doing what's best for Louise as she is, at least, and it does feel good to have made a start.
Donnie had already arranged a lunchtime playdate with one of Louise's pals from nursery, which means she's at a loose end until it's time to pick her up from that and take her to the beach, so she wanders down to the Esplanade, trying to decide whether to ring Ruth first or nip back to Jimmy's to fill him in.
She puts off making a decision by texting Cassie instead. Hey, it's been a while, are you around for coffee or something in the next week or two?
Cassie, like the (relatively) young person that she is, texts back almost immediately. hey!!! Id LOVE to, will check calendar!
Tosh sends her a thumbs up emoji and puts her phone away, leaning against the railing to watch the Bressay ferry crossing the bay.
It is nice, she'll admit, to have her big dilemma be which of her friends to talk to first. Some of her old Shetland pals have texted too, offering sympathies and I-never-liked-him-anyways and, in Mags's case, a spare ticket to something on at Mareel next week "in case you could use the distraction". They're not all on the isles any more, but Tosh wonders if maybe it's time to try and rebuild some of the friendships she's let drift over the last few years.
She entertains a brief fantasy of dragging Ruth and Jimmy out for lunch with her and debriefing them both at once - Duncan can come too, why not, he's good company and, given the circumstances, she wants to start getting to know him a bit better - but even in her mind Ruth and Jimmy are already hissing and bristling at each other like offended cats, and she's already had enough of being the sensible grown up in the conversation for one day, thank you very much. She's going to make sure they get on eventually, even if she has to yell at them both until they behave, but maybe not today.
A sudden gust of wind across the harbour sends all the boats bobbing and whips her hair back from her face. Ruth first, she decides, then lunch, then Jimmy.
*
Ruth knows she's not the most sympathetic audience for a long conversation about emotions, but for Tosh she'll try, and she thinks she manages to acquit herself decently this time at least. And she prides herself on her ability to eviscerate a terrible (ex-)boyfriend like it's going out of style, so once they hit that part of the conversation she's off and running.
She eventually hangs up with a promise that they'll continue dissecting Donnie's (many, many) faults over lunch the next day, and stares out over the voe, watching the sunlight sparkle across its surface and letting the last couple of days settle in her mind.
She's never been the kind of person to lie to herself for long, and despite her inner protestations she knows what's happening to her, but Tosh is a colleague and a friend, and it's such a small place, and Ruth knows she can be a little... cavalier, sometimes, with people's hearts. She doesn't ever mean it, but it happens anyway, and she can't bear the idea that she might be the next one to cause Tosh pain. And this certainly isn't the right time, but maybe, if she chooses to nurture this little flame inside her, allows it to grow into something real, then one day, when they're both ready, she might have a torch she can offer to Tosh to help light her way out of the darkness.
*
It's such a nice day that Jimmy and Duncan end up taking their lunch out to eat on the rocks as well as their breakfast.
"I hope Tosh got on ok with Donnie this morning," says Duncan as they finish their sandwiches. "Have you heard from her yet?"
"Not yet," replies Jimmy, and then adds abruptly: "Look, I'm sorry it took me so long to tell her, I really am."
"It's only been three days," says Duncan, clearly embarrassed, fidgeting with his empty plate as he tries to find a bit of rock to balance it on. "I'm sorry I made such a fuss."
"Away with you," says Jimmy. "I want to know when something's bothering you. Especially if it's me."
"Aye, well, that goes for you too, you know," Duncan tells him, abandoning his plate to its fate. "I know you like to give off this air of having everything sorted out, but I know you, I know that's not true."
Jimmy considers objecting, but has to concede he doesn't have a leg to stand on, given the number of times he's found himself confiding in Duncan over the years, so instead he just wraps an arm around Duncan's waist and pulls him closer.
Duncan rests his head on Jimmy's shoulder, and the two of them sit like that for a while, looking out across the water to Bressay, watching the rise and fall of the waves, wanting nothing more than to be in one another's company on a beautiful day in a place they both love.
*
Tosh considers taking herself out for a fancy lunch after chatting to Ruth, a reward for biting the bullet and setting things in motion with Donnie, but realises at the last minute she doesn't want to be around people. News travels fast in a place like this, and she thinks she can already see people looking at her with sympathy or judgement or sometimes both. So on a whim she picks up a meal deal from Boots and hops on the ferry to Bressay.
She wanders along the coast for a little bit until she finds a nice spot for her picnic and settles down to eat it. She can just about make out Jimmy's house across the water thanks to the beach next door, a splash of sunny yellow amidst the grey of the line of houses, and can't stop herself from giving it a little wave, even though there's no way anyone could see her from here.
The wind's getting up a bit, and maybe Jimmy was onto something about the cobwebs, because it almost feels like it's sweeping away some of the tangles that have been building up in her head, leaving her feeling clearer even than she did on the drive down from Yell.
She watches the light playing over the water and the seabirds skimming past, and lets her thoughts drift for a while. She knows the next few months are going to be difficult, but there's the beach with Louise this afternoon, lunch with Ruth tomorrow, dinner with Jimmy and Duncan and their infectious happiness tonight. And then coffee with Cassie, Mareel with Mags, and everything else in this place that she loves that she never expected to love. She would never have thought she could be so happy, out here beyond even the back of beyond, but she has been. Whatever else she's been here, she's been happy as well, and she knows with a sudden deep certainty that she'll be happy here again.
She finishes her lunch and checks the time on her phone. She's probably left it too late now to catch up with Jimmy before she goes to collect Louise, but she'll text him from the ferry. If anyone will understand, he will.
She tucks her rubbish away in her bag, and hurries back to catch the next ferry. There'll be time to stay for longer another day, but for now, her daughter's waiting.