Chapter Text
In most abusive relationships, the people on the receiving end tend to not see it coming. Not before it’s too late. Not before he’s got you so isolated from everyone you love, your ego so broken down that you believe everything he says. Not before you’re completely convinced that you deserve everything he does to you.
That’s what happened to Shane Hollander too. It all started two years ago, during his second year of college.
He met Ethan in his second year of his Master in Physiotherapy. Shane had always loved sports and wanted a back-up plan if he didn’t make it to the NHL. He played for his university and quickly became one of the best players on the team, even though he’d only been in his second year. Ethan Myers was a senior who also played hockey, though he wasn’t as good as Shane. Ethan had quickly asked Shane out on a date. Shane, who hadn’t exactly been in the closet, but was also very cautious to tell people about his sexuality, had been ecstatic and immediately agreed. Ethan was very handsome, he was a bit bigger than Shane, because he was older. Shane was intimidated by him, but Shane had (mis)read the intimidation as being in love for the first time.
They had been happy for the first few months of their relationship, but after Ethan graduated and got a serious job at an accountancy firm, the first cracks started to show. Shane hadn’t seen them back then, he was too smitten with the older man. Ethan had started to make himself the most important person in Shane’s life. He demanded all of Shane’s time and not much later, Shane dropped out of school. Which also meant that the chances of becoming pro were slim. But Shane, young and hopelessly in love, thought it was a romantic gesture.
Shane had taken on a job in a local record store in Ottawa, where he met Hayden and Rose. Rose was the manager and she was really proud of her little business. Shane had always thought of her as a power woman. To start a business so young, was admirable to Shane. Hayden also had big dreams. He wanted to become an actor, but Shane always thought of Joey from Friends when he thought about Hayden’s acting career. He did admire the determination, though.
When Shane wasn’t working, he was at home. It was his job to make sure the house was spotless and there was food on the table. Ethan made longer days and paid most of the rent. So, it only made sense for Shane to pick up the slacks by doing all the chores. Ethan was often tired, which Shane could understand. He was happy to do it, really.
The first time Ethan hurt Shane was a little over a year ago. Shane had gotten a bit drunk with Rose and Hayden after they had gone out for drinks when the shop closed. Shane hadn’t cleaned the house and there wasn’t any dinner made.
Ethan was mad, rightfully so. He had worked eight hours and came home to a mess. Dirty laundry, dusty floors and nothing to eat. He had yelled at Shane that evening.
“Where the hell have you been?”
Shane was barely inside the apartment; he had just closed the door behind him. Ethan was standing in the middle of their apartment, still wearing his office clothes. His expression made Shane’s stomach tighten.
“Out with Rose and Hayden,” Shane said, his voice a bit smaller than he would’ve liked it to be.
“You said you’d be home by seven,” Ethan replied, his voice sharp with anger. Or maybe irritation.
Shane glanced at the clock. It was almost nine. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”
Ethan scoffed. “I’ve been home for almost two hours, Shane.”
“I know,” Shane replied, “Sorry.”
“Look at this place,” Ethan said as he threw out his arms in frustration.
Shane looked around. He hadn’t really noticed it that morning, but he understood Ethan’s frustration. The kitchen was still dirty with dishes from breakfast that he had meant to clean up, but he was running late. The floor hadn’t seen a vacuum in days, and the laundry basket was stuffed full of dirty clothes.
And there was nothing to eat.
Shane swallowed. “I—I’m sorry, Ethan.”
Ethan took one step closer to Shane. “Yeah, you’ve said that.”
“I was going to clean it,” Shane said, avoiding Ethan’s angry eyes.
“Oh yeah? When? You’ve had all fucking day.”
“I was at work too,” Shane replied. But he knew that was a weak excuse. Ethan’s job was much harder, he also made longer days.
Ethan scoffed again. “Yeah, a couple hours at a failing record shop. I have worked for eight hours, Shane.”
“I know.”
“And I come home and what do I get?”
“I said I was sorry,” Shane’s voice became smaller and smaller.
“You always say that.”
There was something in Ethan's voice that made Shane look down.
“I'll clean it now.”
“That's not the point.”
“I'll do it.”
“That's not the fucking point.” Ethan spat.
He took another step towards Shane and Shane reluctantly took a step back. “The point is, that Hayden and Rose are apparently more important to you than I am.”
Shane shook his head, guilt flowed through him. “N—no, it’s not like that.”
Ethan laughed, though there was no humor behind it. He took another step forward and grabbed Shane’s wrists, hard. Shane flinched as Ethan pushed him back against the door.
The noise of the impact seemed to have shaken Ethan out of whatever trans he’d been in. He immediately let go of Shane’s wrists. “Sorry. I uhm—I didn’t mean to do that.”
Shane, still a little shaken up, replied “I know. It’s okay.”
“I’ve had a shitty day.”
“I know. It’s okay,” Shane repeated. Maybe more to calm himself down than Ethan. He wasn’t sure.
“And then I come home to this mess, I just—I lost control there for a bit.”
“It’s okay. I uhm—I’ll start cleaning now, why don’t you order us some food, babe?” Shane suggested and quietly removed himself from the door.
Ethan nodded. “Thanks.”
Later that night, Ethan had been all over Shane. After they had made love, Ethan told him to just come straight home after work from now on.
Shane did.
-
Shane had been avoiding looking at himself in the mirror lately. He didn’t look the same as he used to. He was much slimmer than he had been in college. When he was still playing hockey, he had needed to eat a lot to keep up with the training and fuel his body properly. He had gained a lot of muscle after puberty, especially in his shoulders and legs, and he used to like that about himself. Ethan preferred thinner boys, though. He had mentioned it a few times over the past year, usually when they were watching something together and Ethan pointed out an actor that he found attractive.
Shane wasn’t playing hockey anymore anyway, so he supposed eating less made sense. He didn't need all those calories anymore. He wasn't training for hours every day. There was no reason for him to keep eating like he was.
That wasn’t the only thing that had changed, though. The skin around his eyes always seemed a little darker now, like he hadn't been sleeping properly. Which made sense, because he hadn't been sleeping properly for a while. He often woke up during the night, sometimes because Ethan was moving around beside him, sometimes because he had a bad dream, and sometimes for no reason at all. Once he was awake, it could take hours to fall asleep again.
This morning, though, Shane had to look in the mirror. He needed to check the damage from the night before. He carefully pulled down the collar of his shirt and looked at his shoulder first. There was a faint red mark there, but nothing too bad. He turned his head and checked the side of his face. There was some swelling around his cheek, though it was already starting to go down.
It could have been worse.
He had dropped one of Ethan’s expensive wine glasses. His mother had given them to him, and they were an heirloom. Shane had been careless and dropped one while putting the dishes away. It had slipped out of his hand and shattered on the kitchen floor. Ethan had been very upset. Shane understood why. If something belonged to his family and had been passed down for years, he would be upset too. It wasn't like Ethan had hit him for no reason. Shane had made a stupid mistake, and Ethan had been angry.
Ethan had punched him and then locked him in the kitchen. He had told Shane he could come out when the mess was cleaned up. Shane had cleaned up the broken glass as carefully as he could, but Ethan had forgotten about him. He had gone out with a few friends and hadn't come home for hours. Shane had been angry when Ethan finally came back.
Not very angry. He knew Ethan hadn't meant to leave him there that long. He'd just been distracted. But Shane had told him that he thought it was unfair, and Ethan hadn't liked the way he'd said it.
So Ethan had punished him again for talking back.
Shane looked at himself in the mirror one more time. The bruising wasn't too bad. Most of it was underneath his clothes anyway, and the marks on his face could easily be explained if anyone asked. He'd fallen. He'd bumped into a cupboard. He'd been clumsy.
Nobody at work would notice. Or, if they did, Shane would just tell them he was fine. He’d gotten quite good at that lately.
He splashed some cold water onto his face and dried it with a towel. His hands were still a little shaky, but he was pretty sure that was because he hadn't eaten yet. He'd be fine at work. He had already had a double espresso, although it wasn't doing much. He was exhausted, but he only had an afternoon shift, so it was five hours. Hayden and Rose would be there too. He could manage five hours.
But first, he needed to clean the apartment.
He would do it properly this time. It was Saturday, which meant Ethan didn't have to work and could sleep in. Shane needed to be quiet while he cleaned. Ethan had had a long week, and the last thing he needed was to be woken up by a vacuum cleaner.
So Shane didn't use it.
He took the broom from the cupboard instead and swept the floors carefully, making sure not to knock it against the walls or furniture. The apartment wasn't very big, so it didn't take too long. He collected the dust into a small pile and swept it into the bin.
He had done all the laundry the day before, so at least he didn't need to worry about that. He'd folded everything too and put Ethan's clothes away in the right drawers. Ethan liked his shirts folded a certain way, something Shane really appreciated about Ethan, because he was the same.
The kitchen was the last thing. Shane wiped down the counters, cleaned the sink and put away the dishes from the night before. He found a tiny piece of glass underneath one of the cupboards and immediately got down on his knees to pick it up. He didn't want Ethan finding another piece later. Once everything was clean, he started making breakfast.
He made a few breakfast sandwiches for Ethan so he could heat them up later. Eggs, bacon and cheese, exactly how Ethan liked them. Shane wrapped them in foil and put them in the fridge. He grabbed a smoothie he made yesterday. He didn't really have much of an appetite lately anyway. The smoothie would be enough.
Shane glanced around the kitchen one last time. Everything was clean. There was nothing left on the floor. The counters were clear. The dishes were done. He hoped Ethan would be happy when he woke up. That was all Shane wanted.
By eleven, Ethan still hadn’t woken up. So, Shane left him a little note.
Hey baby,
I’m off to work right now. I made you some breakfast sandwiches, you can just heat them up when you’re ready.
I will swing by the grocery store on the way back. Tell me if you need anything.
Ly x
-
Shane figured he could leave a little early, Ethan wouldn’t notice anyway, since he had still been asleep. It was something Shane caught himself thinking a lot more often lately. Ethan wouldn’t notice. He felt guilty just thinking that way, because Ethan loved him. He made sure they had it good. He made sure Shane had a roof over his head, a warm bed to sleep in, clean clothes to wear. He shouldn’t think that way about somebody who loved him. And why wouldn’t he want to spend more time with the love of his life?
Though, he couldn’t help that small, tiny, ungrateful part of his brain. The part that told him that their relationship wasn’t normal. That part was harder to ignore lately.
-
“Guys, I really need to tell you something,” Hayden said as soon as the store was empty again.
“What is it?” Rose asked, immediately intrigued. She loved gossip, especially when it involved one of them.
“Yeah, sounds serious,” Shane chimed in.
“Okay,” Hayden said, his face turning even more serious than before. “Remember that girl I met the other night? Jackie?”
Shane remembered. Hayden had met her at a club a few weeks ago, taken her home, and spent the better part of the following week telling them both how amazing she was. He had shown them pictures, talked about her for hours and somehow managed to bring her up during almost every shift.
Rose giggled. “How can we possibly forget?”
Hayden glared at her. “Shut up, this is big!”
“Okay, calm down. You sound like you knocked her up or something,” Rose said, obviously joking. Shane chuckled.
But Hayden went still, very still.
Shane’s eyes widened. “Dude, no way!”
“Oh my god, you actually got her pregnant?” Rose said, eyes just as wide as Shane’s
Hayden nodded.
“Holy shit, Hayd,” Shane said.
Hayden ran both his hands through his hair. “I know right! I don’t know whether to freak out or be excited!”
“Both?” Shane supplied.
“Okay, okay. What does Jackie think about this?” Rose asked as she put her hand on Hayden’s forearm.
Hayden sighed in frustration. “I think she is really happy.”
“Okay, so she wants to keep it?” Rose asked.
“I mean, yeah. I guess so.” Hayden dropped into one of the chairs they kept behind the counter. “I don't know. I'm way too young to be a dad. I'm only twenty-four.”
Rose snorted. “You're acting like you're sixteen.”
“I might as well be!”
“Hayd, you are an amazing person! You will be a great father. My parents had me when they were young as well!”
Hayden scoffed. “Yeah, look how that turned out.”
Shane, who had been quietly listening to the two, let out a chuckle and immediately apologized to Rose. Her parents split up when she was five or something. Her dad, who was cool by the way, had gone through an early mid-life crisis and turned into a total hippie. It was a little funny.
“I am not ready to get married, then get a divorce and go through my mid-life crisis all before I turn thirty!” Hayden exclaimed dramatically.
“Oh come on, you big baby. You will be fine. Just show her you’re supporting her in whatever she chooses and be the best damn father there is. No way she is divorcing you then, okay?” Rose said.
It seemed to calm Hayden down. “Yeah, yeah, okay. You’re right.”
“And you don’t have to get married right away,” Shane said.
Hayden nodded. “Yeah, yeah, okay you’re right. Thanks guys.” Hayden said as he looked at both Rose and Shane. “Wow, this feels good to get off my chest.”
Shane chuckled, then, more serious, “You’ll do great, man. I believe in you.”
Hayden smiled at him.
Then, a couple of customers walked in and Hayden jumped back up, clearly needing the distraction.
-
At the end of their shift, after Rose had locked the door behind them, she turned around with a mischievous smile on her face. “We need to celebrate,” she said excitedly.
Hayden groaned. “No, drinking will only end in pregnancies. I can’t do that anymore.”
Shane heard Rose chuckle and bicker with Hayden, but Shane himself fell completely silent. Rose hadn’t invited him to go for drinks after work in such a long time, that Shane didn’t know what kind of excuse he could use.
But he really couldn’t.
He needed to go the store, get groceries and go straight home. That was his job as a boyfriend.
“Shane,” he felt Rose tugging on his arm, “Shane, you’ll come with right?”
Shane sighed. “No, sorry I uhm—I can’t. Tonight. I promised Ethan I’d get groceries and make dinner.”
Rose rolled her eyes. “He’s taking up too much of your time,” she said it in a funny way, but Shane knew she actually meant it, she just didn’t want to bother him.
“He doesn’t work Saturdays, right? Why can’t he cook?” Hayden asked, genuinely confused.
“He’s uhm—not feeling too well. Had a long week.” The lie came so easily. Shane thought it sounded pretty convincing.
“Okay, okay. Next time, then?” Rose asked, opening her arms to hug him goodbye.
Shane tried not to wince when she hung around his shoulder, but he saw Hayden eyeing his face.
“Yeah, maybe. Maybe,” Shane said. “Bye guys, have fun! See you Monday,” and with that, Shane quickly left.
-
Shane, who still thought he had to smoothe things over with Ethan, had bought way too many groceries, he really wanted to go all out and cook a lovely romantic dinner for the two of them. He still felt bad for messing up last night and for the negative thoughts he’d been having that morning. It was stupid, really. Shane should be more grateful for what Ethan has done for him, for loving him.
The bags were really fucking heavy, though, and he really hated the fact that they didn’t have the luxury of an elevator inside their apartment building. Shane groaned when he looked at the steps.
“Need help?” A deep, accented voice said from behind him.
Shane turned around and his eyes landed on a tall, blonde guy. His hair was perfectly curly and he had the most piercing blue eyes Shane had ever seen. Fuck, he shouldn’t be looking at another man like that.
“Uhm—no, thank you. It’s fine,” He replied.
“Looks like heavy bags. I take one, da?” The man said, reaching for the bag in Shane’s left hand.
Shane, thankful to relieve his aching shoulder, smiled politely as he handed over the bag. “Yeah, okay, thanks. I’m on the third floor.”
“Ah, I am too. See, not a problem.” The man said kindly.
Shane was intrigued by the accent, but he didn’t dare ask. He shouldn’t be talking to other attractive men. Ethan wouldn’t like it. The man walked past him up the stairs and Shane followed. Trying his best to take his eyes off him. (But failing, miserably.)
“My name is Ilya, I moved here day before this day.”
Shane chuckled. “You mean yesterday?”
“Da, English is not first language.”
“How’d you like it so far?” Shane asked.
“Is good, not great.” Ilya replied.
“Yeah, I get that.”
The building was old, the walls were thin and the street was busy. But it was good enough.
Once they reached the third floor, Ilya handed him back the bag. “Thank you, really appreciate it.” Shane said, but he kept his voice low, afraid that Ethan might hear him talking, his eyes kept glancing over at their front door.
“No problem. Name?” Ilya said.
Shane raised his eyebrows.
‘Your name. You have not told me.” Ilya said, matter-of-factly.
“Ah, yeah, sorry. I’m Shane,” Shane said and reached out his hand. Ilya took it with a grin on his face. Shane couldn’t meet his eyes.
“If you need strong Russian neighbor to help carry bags, you know where to find,” Ilya said.
Shane huffed a laugh.
Then his front door opened and Shane’s head snapped to the side. Ethan stood in the doorway, eyeing the two of them. Shane felt himself turn red. “S—sorry, need to go. Thanks. Again.” Shane stumbled and quickly left.
Ethan stopped him at the door, grabbing his jaw and planting a heated kiss on his lips. Shane couldn’t help but think he was marking his territory. “Hi babe,” he said, smugly as he closed the door behind him.
“Hi,” Shane said, he somehow felt like he was in trouble.
“Who is that guy?” Ethan asked, his tone neutral.
Shane, who went to put away the groceries, shrugged, going for casual. “Uh—Ilya I think, new neighbor.”
“Hm, why were you talking to him?” Ethan asked.
“He was just helping me carry the groceries upstairs. I’ve bought all the ingredients fo—,”
Shane was cut off by Ethan. “I don’t trust him. Don’t talk to him again.”
Shane froze for a second, afraid of what was to follow. But after a few seconds, nothing did. “Okay,” Shane said, his voice small.
“Can you start with dinner? I’m starving,” Ethan said and placed a kiss on the top of Shane’s head. Shane deflated at the soft touch. Okay, everything was fine.