Smutty Gentlebeard not-quite-one shots
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Ed is an ex-Olympic skier and the special guest at Stede's corporate retreat. Stede's a divorcee who's been lying about a boyfriend. But they didn't book Ed a room... and there's only one bed.
Series
- Part 1 of Smutty Gentlebeard not-quite-one shots
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Ed has a list of ways he thinks he’s likely to die. In battle is the lame but obvious first choice, jealous lover is number six, and way, way, way down at number one hundred and eighty five is “fucked to death by a snake monster.”
It is, however, number sixty two on his “sexual experiences I’d like to have before I die” list, so he thinks it’ll probably even out.
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- Part 2 of Smutty Gentlebeard not-quite-one shots
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The paparazzi starts taking pictures at the same time the guy on the segway collides with the Uber.
“Edward! Jack! Over here! Are you two together? What does Anne think of all this?”
Ed and Jack exchange a panicked look before Ed makes a decision and dives for the segway guy. He’s blond, white, about Ed’s age - that’s all he has time to register before he’s kissing him.
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- Part 3 of Smutty Gentlebeard not-quite-one shots
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Ed never wanted to be king, let alone get married. But his kingdom, Sauton, has conquered Canatera, and he's going to be put on the throne. Now he has to choose someone from the royal Canaterran line to be his consort.
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- Part 4 of Smutty Gentlebeard not-quite-one shots
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Ed Teach is sent to spy on the King of Bonnet. He takes the place of one of His Majesty's concubines to get as close to him as possible.
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- Part 5 of Smutty Gentlebeard not-quite-one shots
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Catch Me When I'm Falling For You by CartoonMayor for ghostalservice
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
31 Jul 2024
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Summary
The fairy Queen Anne smiled wide, her sharp teeth glinting even in the dim bar lighting. “What will you give us in return, Eddie?”
“Huh?” Ed couldn’t keep both eyes open at once. He giggled as he tried.
“In return for finding you true love,” Queen Mary said patiently.
Ed sighed, head in hand, chin propped against his fist. He looked across the bar at the mirror. His own reflection, blurry with the focus the drink still afforded him and half-hidden by bottles and grime, looked wistful. True love. Ha.
And anyway, no matter how fucked up he was, he wasn’t stupid. Making deals with fairies without written contracts was never a good idea.
~*~
In which Ed accidentally makes a deal with the queens of fae, a fairy named Stede pays him a visit, and they find they're trapped together by a curse that threatens their very lives.
Things get especially complicated when someone (I won't spoil who) goes into fairy heat.
Series
- Part 6 of Smutty Gentlebeard not-quite-one shots
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Summary
Alpha Ed Teach meets omega Stede Bonnet over a business proposal. He doesn't expect the power to go out all over the city and them to be trapped together in a small apartment, but suppressants linger in the body for long enough it shouldn't be a problem before the power comes back on.
The problem is that "shouldn't" isn't the same as "won't."
Series
- Part 7 of Smutty Gentlebeard not-quite-one shots
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i’m hungry and it’s time to sup by CartoonMayor for fakegeeklady
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
16 Mar 2025
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Ed Teach wakes up in a strange bed after a night of heavy drinking. The man who lives in the house - Stede - has left him a very nice note letting him know he's safe and proceeds to take care of him all day.
Series
- Part 8 of Smutty Gentlebeard not-quite-one shots
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the sun has a wonderfully glorious habit of rising every morning by CartoonMayor
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
23 May 2025
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Stede gets lost on a hike in the mountains. Just when he thinks he might not make it, he discovers a house occupied by a beautiful, naked man watching the sunset. Ed saves him from peril and then saves him in other ways.
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- Part 9 of Smutty Gentlebeard not-quite-one shots
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When Ed Teach's ship is rendered flightless in the float because of an errant asteroid belt, he wants to be grateful of Stede Bonnet's timely rescue. Except Stede is a bitch, and Ed hates him.
...Which makes it complicated when aliens seem keen on making them fuck for their entertainment.
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- Part 10 of Smutty Gentlebeard not-quite-one shots
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Ed has been cursed with snakes for hair for a century now. Mostly he spends his days moping in his caves and turning would-be heroes to stone. Until a prince of Sparta comes along that might just be Ed's match.
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- Part 11 of Smutty Gentlebeard not-quite-one shots
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Ed Teach and Stede Bonnet are cast as the stars of the new gay hockey show Heated Rivalry. They're professionals, and just because this show is rooted in romance and sex scenes, doesn't mean they have to catch feelings.
It doesn't mean they have to, but it doesn't mean they won't.
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- Part 12 of Smutty Gentlebeard not-quite-one shots
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Summary
The day of Prince Stede Bonnet’s wedding dawned dim and dreary. Much like his heart, he supposed, knowing that it had finally lost its chance at true love.
The next day of Prince Stede Bonnet's wedding was quite the same. Only he didn't remember the day before, because it was still his wedding day. And although he didn't know it, tomorrow would also be his wedding day.
~*~
Or, an arranged marriage time loop fic.
Series
- Part 13 of Smutty Gentlebeard not-quite-one shots