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"Sveta," he says, before she can greet him. "I think I'm about to do something very stupid."
"You're always doing something stupid," she laughs, her voice tinny over the speakerphone. "What is it this time?"
"I am in a staring contest with a bottle of pills," Ilya says. "And I think the pills might win."
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Or: An alternate take on Ilya's mental health after moving to Ottawa, featuring the reality of long distance relationships, Ilya learning to captain a new team, and a series of game tapes made by Ilya's dead father.
Series
- Part 10 of my anonymous heated rivalry fic
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“Ilya, hey, hey,” Shane says, setting the plates down and hurrying around the table to Ilya’s side. “What’s wrong, why are you crying?”
Ilya hiccups. “Is fine. Is nothing. I am just crying because Pike is so ugly,” he blubbers. “And it is so sad that these beautiful children have to look at his face every day.”
Pike waits until Ilya’s got his hands over his eyes to meet Shane’s gaze and mouth 'what the FUCK'.
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Or: after Shane moves to Ottawa, Ilya develops a habit of randomly bursting into tears.
Series
- Part 19 of my anonymous heated rivalry fic
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“That’s the thing,” Shane says, taking his glasses off and propping them on his forehead. It’s novel enough, and sexy enough, that Ilya lets the action pass without comment, even though he really prefers the glasses in their proper spot on Shane’s face. “I don’t think you should get anyone. Like, a housekeeper, or anything.”
Ilya can't tear his eyes away from the glasses. "What?"
"I don't think you should get a housekeeper in Ottawa," Shane says again. "For privacy's sake."
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Or: Shane and Ilya get rid of their housekeepers as part of their plan to keep their relationship secret. Ilya discovers that keeping a house clean is easier said than done.
Series
- Part 24 of my anonymous heated rivalry fic
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He and Shane are in bed together, Ilya’s lips attached to Shane’s neck as they lazily grind against each other, when Shane says, “So you’ve slept with like eight hundred women.”
Immediately, Ilya stops. He releases Shane’s neck—even though it makes Shane whine unhappily—and pulls back so he can meet Shane’s eyes. “What?”
“You’ve slept with eight hundred women,” Shane says. He’s a bit pink in the cheeks, but that might just be the arousal. “I did the math."
Series
- Part 23 of my anonymous heated rivalry fic
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“So,” Yuna says, as she polishes off her third glass of cabernet. “When are you boys going to get started on kids?”
Shane chokes on his tiramisu.
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Or: Maybe Shane doesn’t want kids.
Series
- Part 11 of my anonymous heated rivalry fic
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Summary
Shane sends him a text that says 'thinking about your cock' with a picture of his rippling abs, and even though Ilya really appreciates the abs, all he can think about is the faint bruise blooming on Shane's ribs, and whether it hurts him very badly, and whether there's anything Ilya could do to make it hurt less, if he were there. He wants to be there, he realizes. He wants to be there for the rest of his life.
He has to duck out of the team weight room so he can cough up a fistful of petals.
So.
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Or: Ilya gets Hanahaki disease.
Series
- Part 6 of my anonymous heated rivalry fic
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Summary
Ilya Rozanov ☑️ @ilyarozanov81
hockey players always say they are so grateful for fans. well, for valentine’s month I will put my mouth where my money is. you are welcome in advance
Harris ☑️ @centaursharris
@ilyarozanov81 I’m afraid to ask. Also, it’s put your MONEY where your MOUTH is.
Ilya Rozanov ☑️ @ilyarozanov81
@centaursharris eh in this case I think my version is more accurate
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Or: a hybrid social media fic in which Ilya decides to spread the love amongst hockey RPF fans.
Series
- Part 3 of my anonymous heated rivalry fic
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 3,116
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 146
- Kudos:
- 8,449
- Bookmarks:
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- Hits:
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Bookmarked by sunsetcolour
11 Sep 2026
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Lamentations of a First Lieutenant Schwartz by JRaylin441
Fandoms: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga, Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
01 Jan 2019
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Summary
It was James' first time leading a mission, and he was sure that everything would go perfectly. Two weeks undercover with a fake wife and a fake son. Now if only the kid would stop making James want to strangle him, that would be great.
“What would you know of it? You’re probably just jealous of the kid.”
Ed's eyes flicked wider, as if he had never even considered that option before.
“Who’d be jealous of him?” Incredulity dripped from every word, and surely the Fullmetal Alchemist couldn’t be that bad.
“So you’ve met him, then?” Bauer asked, intelligence background at work as she sought information about these two children.
Elric just cackled and flipped open the file.
“What’s the bastard left for me this time?”
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50 ways to lose an arm and a leg, by Edward Elric by Kastaborous
Fandoms: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga, Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003)
09 Jun 2022
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It was rather unusual for a twelve-year-old to have two full-replacement automail limbs. Edward typically tried to cover every inch of skin and metal to avoid the questions, but unfortunately, it couldn’t always be helped. When asked the question, “How’d you lose your limbs?”, the usual story was that Ed had lost them in the Eastern Conflict.
But what if he decided to take a more… interesting approach? After all, if Al wears the armor as a hobby, why can’t Ed have lost his arm against a bear?
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Or, Fullmetal Alchemist where everything is the same but Ed comes up with increasingly more insane ways for him to be short a few body parts.
Series
- Part 1 of to lose an arm and a leg
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Nugatory Night by boredom
Fandoms: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga, Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003)
17 Dec 2021
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Summary
Edward Elric, the youngest state alchemist in Amestrian history, has been a part of Mustang's team for a week now. However, he hasn't made any attempts to get to know the various members of the team.
After a suggestion from Fuery and an order from Hawkeye, Havoc, Fuery, Breda, Falman, Ed, and Al are going to be spending the next two hours together in a Natural History Museum.
It is, without a doubt, the most boring thing Havoc can think of doing on a Friday night. But at least it will be a relatively stress-free evening.
Right?
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Of a youth who loves me by Aliquis
Fandom Dead Boy Detectives (TV), The Dead Boy Detectives (DC Comics)
27 May 2024
- Words:
- 31,720
- Works:
- 3
- Bookmarks:
- 330
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Summary
Or,
Loki: Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll Edition
- Words:
- 323,426
- Works:
- 20
- Bookmarks:
- 90
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Arthur proposes to Merlin, and Merlin tells Arthur about his magic. Arthur doesn't react well, and Merlin is gone from Camelot the following day. (Basically, what if 4x09 but instead of Lancelot the big "betrayal" is a magic reveal?)
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After encountering a powerful witch, Arthur is turned into a dragon – only to be rescued by the last of the dragonlords. Who happens to be his manservant. Which is only the first of the unfathomable and upsetting facts that Arthur is learning about Merlin’s life, about dragons, and about his own heart.
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Mumbo's back, Grian's back, but now Scar's missing. That's fine, though: just head to the trusty summoning circle and build Scar's face. One problem: what kind of things does Scar say a lot?
Written for the 2023 MCYT Extreme Timed Challenge Exchange!
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he saved my life (I never asked him to) by Someone_aka_Me
Fandoms: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
14 Jan 2018
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The first words a person says to you about your soulmate are written across your skin. Bruce is covered in insults. He never wants to meet his soulmate. But then he does.
Series
- Part 2 of Soulmate AUs
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Summary
Perry grabbed Doofenshmirtz, put a finger to his lips to shush him, and quickly added in ASL. "O.W.C.A. doesn't know yet."
Heinz's eyebrows rose comically as the man realized what his nemesis was telling him. "O.W.C.A. doesn't need to know."
Perry nodded in agreement. "I'm going to sneak you out."
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A mistake made by Phineas and Ferb results in Doofenshmirtz ending up at The Flynn-Fletcher residence. All Perry has to do is keep Heinz hidden from his family and O.W.C.A. till he can sneak him back home. How hard could it be?
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Summary
Sometimes, a family is you, your dad the pharmacist, and the secret agent that mistakenly got assigned to your dad.
Not like it’s weird or anything.
Series
- Part 3 of Perryshmirtz Week 2020
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- Words:
- 64,965
- Works:
- 15
- Bookmarks:
- 475
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- Words:
- 56,915
- Works:
- 3
- Bookmarks:
- 30