Fic make you go haha
(Open, Moderated, Anonymous)
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Summary
In which angelic marriage bonds are apparently stupidly easy to trigger, Cas wages multidimensional war in Heaven, Dean can't catch a break like ever, Sam rather enjoys being a dick, love saves the day, and nobody consummates anything.
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For those of you perving along at home, Dean could absolutely provide a list of the hundred or so ways that having a boyfriend with giant fucking actual wings is super hot and/or awesome.
This is not that list.
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All Dean wants is a little privacy. Cas doesn't understand.
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“The natural environment of the human soul is a human body,” Cas says. “Humans have yet to meet a foreign substrate that they don’t immediately attempt to colonize. My form in Hell was not an exception.” Then he shuts his mouth very deliberately and gestures back to Dean like his mic is going live in three, two.
“Or the bit where my soul gave you some kind of STD?” Dean finishes.
“It was a poor analogy. I apologize.”
“So what’s a better one?”
Castiel drums his fingers for a second. “It’s more like…the way a parasitic jewel wasp injects a cockroach with venom, and transforms it into a willing host for wasp larvae.”
“Holy shit are you ever bad at this,” Dean says, with that signature brand of fond horror he special-orders just for Castiel, Angel of the Gourd.
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In retrospect, she really should have known that Fitz, having spent over a decade in a secret organization, may not react to her surprise quite as well as anticipated.
(or the one where Simmons tries to seduce Fitz on their first Christmas in their new apartment and winds up finding out the hard way just what happens when you try to surprise a sleeping spy)